Dream that I was at some kind of fair, where I wanted a croissant with peanut butter on it. One booth sold croissants, the other peanut butter. The lady at booth A wouldn’t let me take the croissant over to the peanut butter booth and purchase my combined peanut butter croissant sandwich from booth B. And, the croissant was only ten cents, but all I could find in my wallet was a five dollar bill and a one hundred dollar bill. After I’d already given her my hundred (because for some reason I thought the change from the 100 would be better suited for buying the peanut butter), I found a one dollar bill, which was apparently what I was really looking for. For my change, the lady returned a bunch of cancelled checks she’d found at the bottom of the cash register drawer, along with some plastic card holders. There were also some envelopes with various amounts written on them that didn’t amount to the $99.90 she owed me.
At first, I interpreted the dream to mean that I am going through life in a similar fashion. I keep trying to take $100 worth of brain power and skills and experience, and use it on ten cent jobs. And, what I get back for my efforts is a lot of garbage that looks like it might have had some kind of value at some point. Of course, this doesn’t make complete sense, because a job should pay you at least what you are worth, if not the dividend of additional experience you can use to move on to a better paying job. However, maybe that’s the point. I am not really thinking in terms of finding a job that matches me for what I am worth. I am still stuck in the mode of trying to find the least common denominator of a job so that I will get hired and have a job of some kind.
I also remember having some kind of dream where I was getting feedback about my teeth on a website. Most of the commenters seemed to think that my teeth were fake and should be replaced with better fitting teeth, and I was somehow proud that people thought my natural teeth were so good as to be fake.
Today is Friday, and it feels like each Friday is getting harder to reach. Where I work, the work that my boss wants me to do, I don’t really want to be doing, and it’s not much work, anyway. The other work that is required of me is small-change work like the kind of work I’ve been doing for too long. I certainly need to figure out a way to move into a more senior-level position somewhere, but this is hard. I don’t have a lot of official people-managing experience, even though I’ve spearheaded plenty of projects and groups, and have been responsible for seeing many tasks to the end that required the delegation of work to others. I am at an age where I should at least have a Director in my title, but the VP title I held was so brief that I think it would just look weird on a job application. I don’t know, I’m in need of some free time to really think this through and just get tight about what I really want to do for the last twenty-five years of my career, but I never seem to have that kind of time, anymore–or I am just so drained by the end of the day/week that I don’t feel the least bit like thinking about my professional sphere of being.
It probably goes without saying, but I am going to have to admit that I am experiencing the downhill slide of the aging process. I am not motivated to try to do new things, learn new things, create new things. My preference is to be entertained or simply sit and do nothing, letting my mind wander in no particular direction, and certainly not in any direction that would net me some new creative idea to help me make more money or grow more as a person. Certainly, part of it is purely mental. I’m going on my seventh year of marriage, in my forties, have more gray hair on my head than dark and more bald on my head than hair. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never do a lot of new and first things that young people do for the rest of my life, but I haven’t bothered to replace the desire to have and living for those experiences with something equally stimulating. My condition isn’t any different than most people’s. Most of my peers entered this state of being ten years ago or more when they got married and had their first children.
But, I think there is also just the kind of resignation that comes with having seen so many experiments and attempts to become something or someone amount to nothing. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t say I look forward to my dreams more than anything else, but they certainly supplement the ordinary, regular and the mundane in a way that no original television programming or movies seem to be able to.
A couple of times throughout the week, I almost feel as if I am about to breakthrough into some higher state of Mind. When I’m on my way to work, or walking about the city on a break from work. There is a sense that the way we are all connected is out there, floating in the air, beyond the reach of the highly spiritual and the highly materialistic, the religious and the atheistic. But these are just hints. The way that I end up connecting with people, if I do at all, is mostly angles and deflections–people all around ducking their heads and not wanting to be intruded upon, except by those who know them well. It’s not like I’m any different, except sometimes I believe that humanity could be completely connected in a way that was pure and righteous, rather than evil and obscene, like some kind of hive mind that is controlled and manipulated by an evil government pyramid with Satan sitting at the top.
Much of the breakthrough starts to come when I am firmly able to leave off from considering other human beings from the place of what use they are to me. This is hard, because this is how we are conditioned. That each human I meet must be a person who is useful to me, even if it’s to prove how virtuous I am and aggrandize my own ego-driven sense of having a noble self. Such an insight can come easily, but it is hard to really change it. I’ve simply taken my old, selfish approach of asking whether each human I meet can serve me in a material sort of way, either through a sexual or a business relationship, and I’ve replaced it with a similarly selfish approach, albeit one with a presumably altruistic veneer.