Why do you try to deny things about yourself that are what they are

Why do you try to deny things about yourself that are what they are? It is exemplary to strive to be a better person, but you can’t move forward until you recognize exactly who you are and what you really want.

I am a series of endless contradictions. I can’t seem to be happy unless I am doing something to contradict the previous thing I was doing. I go around in circles. I get nowhere.

I need to start with the simple stuff–unpacking boxes, pushing the empty ones out in recycling, cleaning things up a bit, hanging pictures, etc. I need to get the lawn cleaned up, and go through paperwork. I need to get all of my 401Ks moved over. The complete inertia of me persists. It is so much easier to open up a new file and write about what I need to do instead of do it.

There is also contract work to be done.

For some reason, I just keep hitting these walls where I used to leap up and get a million things done. Maybe it’s me getting old, maybe it’s the sleep medicine. The tradeoff with the sleep medicine is clear. I become a grouch and then a full-blown angry person when I stop taking it. But, I am pretty much running on dull auto-pilot when I do take it.

Yesterday, Wednesday, I started taking it again. Well, I mean the night before and Wednesday was the first full day after taking it. I scraped my car into the side of a curb as I was hurtling down the hill of S 1st right after crossing Ben White. I had kind of just lapsed into a trance, thinking about visiting my cousin in the hospital at lunch. It jolted me awake, but not enough to make me highly aware of my surroundings.

Overall, though, it helped me stop getting mad and offended at every last little slight that someone caused me.

I started writing this particular entry a few days ago–Sunday, I think. I sometimes try to picke these up where I left off, even if chronologically it will never be recorded (except in the original file) what I wrote on which day.

Work has become utter madness. I can’t even big to catalogue all of the random weirdness that happens there–all of the oddities of my supervisor and weirdness of other managers. For whatever it’s worth, the management seems just as weird and out of touch with reality as the management did at the job in Waco–and this crew is supposed to be more cosmopolitan and technically savvy. I realized that my resume hasn’t really been updated for the past few jobs. I’ve just been winging it with a line or two from the original job req that was posted. This is probably why I’ve missed out on a good number of opportunities at places that have gotten their collective act together.

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