Dream: I was trying to find an open commode to use, and kept finding bathrooms that were fully occupied (typical dream). Finally, I found one inside a busy room where mothers were playing with babies and people were coming and going (another typical dream element). MR from MCE, the Chief Editor, came in and squatted beside me and started explaining a project he needed me to work on. I haven’t worked at MCE in over ten years. I tried to go, but was too uncomfortable with all of the people around. I got up, and walked out, and realized that I had taken off my wedding band. Then, I went back in, and the room was completely dark and empty, but the band was on the table. NG from where I presently work walked in, and I showed him my ring–it was monstrous and garish in the dream, but I was proud of the fact that my wedding ring was bigger than NG’s. Some fairly obvious symbolism here, involving a sublimated sense of needing to compete with others. The Chief Editor at MCE was utterly dismissive of me in real life when I started to work there, and slowly gave me some begrudging respect over time.
Where I work now, I hardly feel the need to compete with anyone, but that’s not to say that my old sense of needing to impress and one-up people isn’t still lingering, and others certainly could be harboring feelings of insecurity or something. Who knows. I mostly feel like my hands are tied behind my back by all of the contempt and lack of understanding most of my current coworkers have for Marketing and Sales, but especially Marketing.
That one thing–I guess that’s what I am in search of…that one thing I can obsess over and focus on at the expense of all other things–at least during my free time away from work and family. What is that one thing? When I try to focus on Love or Christ or something similarly religious…I get manic and I suspect I end up doing more idol worship than true worship of Jesus. If I focus on something like Math, I start to feel like a million other truths including Truth itself is getting past me at the expense of being obsessed over something that is intrinsically rigorously true, but incapable of completely satisfying the soul.
That one thing–that’s been my lifelong quest. Find that one thing to obsess over, whether it is banal and trite or profound and increasingly meaningful. Yet, every single “one thing” I ever focus on starts to lose its shine after some short amount of time. How do people who go on to get PhDs manage to do it?
Perhaps I should just pick something at random, instead of trying to be thoughtful about it. Like studying a certain species of insect.