I begin again slowly. I take small bites of things I once consumed in large quantities. I don’t aim to impress anyone with correctness, greatness or novelty. I don’t aim to entertain and please. If you are bored with me, then I may be doing my job. Or perhaps not. I am not bored with me. I am not bored with life. Life can be profoundly interesting when you study the tiniest aspect of a single thing. Your brain fills up with new insights while focused on one particular concept. The space for the mind is like an endlessly reforming fractal. You can never exhaust the detail of what you are inquiring into even as you probe deeper and tighter and closer.
This is not the way of the world. The way of the world is to greedily consume and spit out, taking ever large bits and being constantly convinced that the key to happiness is to take a bite that trumps the last bite you took.
I have lived this way, and I have lived this way mostly unhappily, which is to say that for me, the way of the world is not the way to happiness. A neighbor may be sitting yards away from me in a similar home consuming large quantities of entertainment, knowledge, food, booze, drugs, sex, or something else. My neighbor may go back to work on Monday and describe his efforts at large consumption of experiences to his coworkers who will nod appreciatively and try to one-up him, or keep their mouths shut if they know they can’t compete. I will not go back to work on Monday and tell anyone that I wrote this down.
I won’t talk about how I’m trying to get back my Hebrew and Greek as it slips away, and retain some basic math so that it isn’t lost. I’m not going to mention that I’ve been considering dyeing my hair again, and pretending I’m ten years younger.