My brain has been filled with noise and busy-ness. All of the things I try to keep spinning in the air to make me look productive and seem relevant to others. Beneath this layer of noise, there is a longing for a place to burrow my mind into that will only have the happy memories of the past, and the people I care about in the present, and a future of security and stability.
There has been a sense of needing to remain busy as long as there were outstanding projects, even if said projects couldn’t be tended to or it was the weekend, and I didn’t feel like tending to them. No reading books, watching movies, etc. And certainly, no spacing out and doing and thinking nothing at all.
The urge to check the news, check my work email, check for any sort of communication or information that I can tend to and obsess over, no matter how trivial, is overwhelming. It then gives me some peace of mind knowing that I was too busy to get to the projects I should have been working on.
I would rather be solving problems than letting my mind be still. But, I would rather be solving problems that I can meet and address and check off of a non-existent list, than trying to solve the ones that truly need solving.