Endless cycle. No catching up of sleep. Dreams are all terrible hints that the apocalypse is near, and then I wake up and real life either presents the utterly mundane, or also hints that sinister forces will be upon me in my lifetime. Then, there is guilt, when I become convinced that the evil lurking in the world will not become fully realized until my son is in his forties. Like, I got mine, so what of any future generation? That’s my dad thinking for me, there.
I don’t get enough sleep to get ahead of myself. I don’t get enough work done to get ahead of my debt and my inevitable firing from where I currently work. I don’t get enough time spent with my son to get the bond established properly. I don’t get enough booze drank to help me feel right, but I surely do drink more than enough to make me feel sick and lacking of sleep the next day.
I keep thinking that the big moment of proving myself at work or discovering a new thing to write about is still just around the corner.
You should see my face these days. I was never really a handsome man, but now I hardly recognize myself. There is no good way to present my head of hair, ie, the hair that remains.
I don’t even want to talk about what I do for a living. It’s goddamn boring. I take orders from people who are too busy or too full of themselves to push buttons themselves. I work for another asshole. Damn, but I really do believe that if there are environments of work and bosses who aren’t hostile or completely absent (except when they want some stupid thing from you that makes no sense)–these environments were not made for me.
So, what do I want to talk about? Who knows? When I get immersed in something interesting, my wife seems to know I’m writing something interesting and comes in and kind of hovers around as if she gives a shit about what I’m writing. But, when I want her to read something I’ve written, she does not, or she does and must hate it so badly that she has no interest in hurting my feelings.
I suppose I should be more precise in what I’m trying to express:
professionally, I have hit a dead in and have no idea where to go next.
mentally, my brain only feels free of a fog when I’m not taking a sleep aid, and this makes my crabby and nasty toward others. I wish I could solve complex mathematical problems, but right now, I would be lucky to survive high school trig.
spiritually, I threw up my hands in frustration and walked away from seminary. I am sick of self-righteous Christians on both sides of the political spectrum.
and then, there is just this ache of loneliness. Yes, I’m married to a nice wife and have a wonderful child who couldn’t be any more perfect, but I just feel damn lonely, like what I’m really wishing was heard and understood by me is heard and understood by no one I know.
I’ve cashed in, cashed out, thrown in the towel as it pertains to doing/being someone exceptional, and have joined the masses who work in offices and drive in to these offices from suburbs, and yet somewhere inside of me, I still kick and scream for something more. Something that only glamorous people and really smart people get to have, except I would probably be just as unhappy living in Beverly Hills with my own reality show.
There has to be a breakthrough around the corner–an area of thought just waiting to be explored, or an area of my brain yet untapped. At the very least, there must be at least one other human being on the planet who thinks like I do. With 7 billion of them out there, it seems odd that there’s just me who can truly connect with me.
What prompted the above mild rant was a very bad week at work–probably the worst I’ve had since starting to work at this new place. I could write in detail everything that happened to make it awful–like the boss encouraging me to use my PTO, me taking my PTO, then the boss really wanting me to be available on the day I took my PTO. Then, the meeting was cancelled and postponed, but somehow, by Monday morning of the next week, it morphed into an all-day meeting.
Everyone was crabby, snippy and bitchy last week, it seemed, even most of the usual easy-going folks. My single marketing colleague, who was all yes’s up until last week seemed to be all no’s–like she’d maxed out what she’d committed to, and couldn’t come up with a way to be more discriminate about saying no to things. Not that I care too much, but it was pretty much like watching the personality of someone change the further along you get in a relationship. I suppose the relationships we have with our employers are not that different in some ways than the ones we have with our significant others–if there is only an insincere facade put up to impress the other, then there is always hell to pay for all involved when the honeymoon is over and nothing is left but a real self who is nothing like the facade.
The problems at this workplace aren’t that much different than the ones that have been at any other workplace, except I have gotten too old to play a lot of these games of being a true believer for at least a year before finally giving up and moving on. I really need to tough it out at this place for a full year, and weeks like last one make me wonder how this is going to happen.
The other thing is that companies that have been poorly managed for so long, and have so many Weaknesses and Threats that nobody wants to talk about, often become overly convinced that a crack sales team and perfect marketing automation workflow will save everything, even when it is clear that the Strengths and Opportunities lists are utterly anemic compared to the Weaknesses and Threats lists. Also, most of them, this one included, have gotten by for so long based on a single innovation that initially made them successful enough to attract an investor or larger company, that none of the people running them could possibly come up with a true Business Plan the way any small business owner is required to do in order to get more investment money.
Of course, I completely and utterly doubt my own ability to pick or be picked by a real winner and find that golden opportunity that will make me want to be a part of the organization for more than a few years. I seem to be good at picking losers and dark horses and they seem to be good at finding me.
I suppose I should be preparing for the godawful Monday morning meeting where I am grilled and raked over the coals for not having drilled deeply enough into some data point that would take me another five hours to come up with due to the bassackwards way the data is managed, but I am tapped out from having finished off cleaning the apartment today, worked, gone for a long walk, and gone out to my dad’s to get some stuff we left out there.
While cleaning the apartment, I just about killed myself, thinking I was mixing bleach with bleach when in reality one of the cleaning products had something else in it and bleach was an absolute no-no to mix with it. I had to stay over there for a long time to let all of the fumes air out, and my lungs felt weird for the rest of the afternoon.
At my dad’s, my dad was seemingly a little nicer–he seems to be this way when one of his lady friends actually sticks around with him for more than a few months, which has been rather rare since my mom died.
I’ve thought a lot about how much I would behave like my dad if my wife departs before I do. I just can’t see myself wanting to enter the senior dating scene, even as a senior. If my child(ren) are all self-sufficient, and my wife beats me to the grave, I intend to either join a monastery or create my own hermitage in a swamp some place. Even without all of the bullshit that is happening in the political world, I’ve long since become convinced that I simply have no ability to really properly engage with others in a meaningful way. If I am completely honest about it, the last time I had a friend that felt like a true friend who wasn’t a girlfriend or drinking buddy was probably my friends from K-12–and most of them are people I can’t really stand now. Two of them are rabidly right wing, and the other is rabidly atheist, miltantly vegan, and otherwise seems to have grown up very little. My college friend that I hung out with a lot could arguably be described as someone who became a friend outside of drink, but it was pretty much alcohol that glued the friendship together.
When I see people who are strangers rapidly become friends, or see many people come together to form groups where there were no groups before, I honestly am perplexed and lack the whatever that is required to be successful at this as well. I have been given over to paranoia–thinking that everyone communicates across some secret astral/psychic network that I don’t know about, except, I am too contemptuous of that side of myself to ever allow it to flourish.