There are plenty of things about myself that I would like to improve before I die. I am beginning to think that the old urge to study math coming back is primarily just another escapist urge to get away from the things that really need fixing.
I am still pretty broken in ways that I was broken as a teenager. I don’t want to go into it much, because it’s not incredibly evil or perverted, but still not the sort of thing I need hanging around with me after I die. People write reams and reams of amazing things, or do other amazingly creative and productive things, and then they are remembered for their fetishes, vices, occasional human foibles, character flaws or the one or two times they really did screw up in a big way. Such is the Shakespearean saying about the good men do being interred in their bones, I guess.
But, I will say that right now, I drink too much, eat too much crap, exercise too little, spend too little time with my Bible and going to church, don’t do enough volunteering, still lose my temper too much, am still given over to too much lust, which is more or less a way of summing up the above paragraph.
I work downtown now, and outside of my office, there are hundreds if not thousands of beautiful women in their 20s and 30s walking by. Being married and committed to one woman doesn’t kill your biology, you know. You still get the physical self telling you how nice it would be to have things you can’t have. What’s more, it’s easy enough to dismiss a lust for a sports car or nice pair of shoes, or an exotic trip somewhere. It’s not so easy to dismiss biology. But, I am too old, tired, ugly, socially awkward and committed to my family and marriage to ever become another asshole cheat. All I’m saying is, I am presented with visual information on a regular basis in a much more intense fashion than I have since I was single. I have a thing to work on, that’s all.
And, I am fat and lazy again. I am doing good to give the dog one walk around the block each morning and two longer walks on the weekends. That’s a good week for me right now. Really, I should be running five miles each morning after I walk the dog, and doing some type of workout, even a mild one of light weights, situps and pushups, in the evenings.
I have more energy when I don’t take a sleep aid, and I am more full of creativity and brain power at work, but I am also increasingly irritated over stupid shit. My temper starts to come back. One week I am just crabby, then I am a little bit more intense, and before you know it, I’m having to apologize to someone for letting my temper flare up.
I still struggle with having much energy at all unless I’ve had an enormous amount of caffeine. It seems to me that even at 40, I should have more energy than this without so much artificial stimulation.
I would prefer to start eating more healthy foods again, and stop overspending on lunch every day. A salad most days would be much better for me.
I need to attend church and volunteer more.
Basically, I would like at the very least to be more or less back to being the same person I was when my wife met me seven plus years ago, where I was very much actively trying to be a better person in every possible way due to the obvious motivating factor of wanting to attract a mate. I have never been nearly as physically active as I was since then, and I am rather disappointed in myself for having been incapable of getting motivated to run and work out and generally take care of myself just because it’s the right thing to do and makes me feel better.