Maybe someday we’ll be sitting on a beach having a conversation about all of this. I’ll have a few moments to actually gather my thoughts and reflect upon them, obtaining a true sense of how far I’ve come and where I am headed. The world will reset itself and will calm down to a different kind of speed.
I still have dreams of a young man that went unfulfilled before I realized I had to stop pretending that the dreams were right around the corner, and suck it up, and begin fulfilling my householder duties.
I don’t think I will be able to avoid being sent back here, if a clinging and longing for this world is how you get back here with all of your memories wiped.
But that doesn’t mean I haven’t stopped striving for the kind of purity where I am only thinking, saying and doing what is absolutely essential toward me discovering the Truth about my existence.
Wouldn’t it be grand if my mind could find a way toward precision mixed with highly meaningful novelty? By highly meaningful, I mean both useful to the outside world in obtaining new insights into reality, as well as full of important significance in the metaphysical sense.
I think maybe there is this serum of which we are given some measured quantity when we are young, and most of us don’t realize that as adults it is up to us to produce it ourselves, or not. Most of us choose not, because we don’t realize that it is up to us to keep producing it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be awake and directing the flow of the energy or the thoughts or actions, or what have you. There are many ways this gets described, such as being proactive instead of passive, or mindful instead of asleep or on autopilot. Except, there are these moments when I get insights into this way of being that tell me none of the available terms and descriptions have adequately covered the awake and active state.
A child can be awake and active, but she is still very much of a mind that the world is acting upon her, that her parents and other adult figures must provide for her. A young adult is more awake and asserts his independence, but he too continues to seek out a flow to latch onto and go with and ride upon.
It’s almost as if even the driver vs. passenger analogy isn’t enough. Being a driver implies you are still getting some assistance from a vehicle. But, what if you should reach a point in your existence when you are completely powering it all by virtue of your own will? You are the vehicle as well as the driver. You are the one who decides how quickly you are going to get there and how long you are going to stay.
It’s up to you to say you are on a path, a journey of discovery, vs. that moment you get sick of always being on the road to betterment, and why not wake up one day and just say, “I am no longer on the road, I am at the destination, and I will stay here no matter what, damnit!”
But, you have to temper this to some degree if you aren’t ready for it yet, or you are unsure of what it means. You can be at your destination, or think you are there, and start acting cocky instead of confident, arrogant instead of assertive, etc.
You want so badly to smash the doors in and just get on with it, and yet something still holds you back, saying, wait, it’s not your time even yet.
If you sit here and wait, it will come to you. You must be awake, and full of expectation. You must be ready to live, thrive, grow, be awake and be moving forward. You are free of anxiety and tension, but you are not lapsing back into a mental state where someone will carry you or drive you to your destination.