a new obsession

a new obsession
a new thing to occupy my time
it must be a thing that will transform me
i am ready to be transformed.
i am ready to be picked up, taken, shaken and placed into a work queue where i will churn out something productive and wonderful.
put me to work making some delightful thing
that countless trillions will consume and be transformed when they experience it.
a word should have power.
you should be capable of meditating on a set of words and becoming a transformed figure.
you shouldn’t need external stuff to help you achieve your goals.
enough diet and exercise and shelter from the elements and dangerous people–then, a few choice words.
the words might seem to be trite, banal or poorly formed. the grammar and spelling and punctuation could be missing from them completely. the words are not there to be canonized in literary collections or forced upon resentful students.
the words should be ones that you are ready to study when you are ready, and their power becomes self-evident quickly when you meditate upon them repeatedly.
the words should transform you for the better–no ill-gotten gains from these words, so selling of the soul.
first and foremost, life and the living of it is beautiful, even when the living is filled with pain.
but, suffering is never to be exulted for its own sake. in fact, it is to be avoided, or to be worked through, until you have arrived at a new state where you no longer experience the suffering.
but, the words that you meditate upon are about transforming you for the better, no dwelling on pain is necessary.
as an adult, you have been charged with taking control of some of the processes that ran on autopilot on your behalf.
before you can begin forming new, wonderful things, you have to cease with the old. the old will to try to find a new thing to amuse or entertain you, the old demands to be passively entertained by that which you consume.

you are now responsible for creating the entertainment behind your eyelids when you need to relax and consume entertainment.

but, you should know that this world, this reality, isn’t formed just to keep you amused. you must grow big and and strong in the place where you meditate simply upon being itself.

look, see, here is reality. it isn’t complicated, it isn’t sophisticated, it doesn’t require a genius to know it. but, reality isn’t full or pain or full of pleasure, either. reality is, at it’s core, really quite boring for a soul that needs constant distractions and amusements.

the terribly difficult part is where you keep trying to add more to it, even on auto-pilot you want to keep adding more and more, and then you are disappointed when you go looking for evidence of the more that you added, and there is nothing there.

sure, there is plenty of stuff going on out there, being churned up by other humans who feel the need for there to be more to reality than just this. and, you go looking for it, looking for ways to be a part of it. you want to get involved, but you aren’t getting involved to make meaningful connections with other human beings–you just want to be leeched onto something you can passively suck in–something that can amuse and distract you and you can later brag that you were there and a part of it.

first, just clear your mind and let what you have in the here and now be enough. don’t try to make your environment perfectly quiet or comfortable, just be you in the environment that holds you.

second, don’t pick things apart. if you want a machine to work for you, then you use it. if you want to analyze how it works, then you pick it apart.

there were many things left to explore and discover, but the rain and the beer were calling to me. i’d found my happy place years ago, and now was the time to return to it. nobody was going to stop me now. nobody was sending me anywhere else. i was well aware that i was standing there marking time, moving nowhere, but i was going to keep on marching in the slipshod fashion i’d learned to march in some three decades ago.

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