This weekend–Labor Day weekend, 2017. L turned 3 on Friday, so we took him to the zoo and toy store. We hiked at Mary Moore park on Sun, and around Town Lake today. We went to a potluck the seminary people invited us to for a little bit on Sunday. M and E and their families weren’t there, so it wasn’t as much of a reunion as I’d hoped it would be. L was getting tired quickly, so we didn’t stay there that long.
I’ve been on a rather long stretch of drinking too much beer every evening, though last week I managed to keep it down to just Sun, Fri, Sat eves…same as this week, hopefully. I need to get back into running, just a little bit each day for the sake of my own health, not necessarily for any other reason.
Still have to do some work for my new employer, plus some freelance work I promised someone I would do for them. Also, still running my hotspot instead of getting the Google Fiber kit out of the box and setting it up…new license plate still have to go on the car, boxes need to be unpacked and collapsed and put away. It’s mostly just a matter of laziness mixed with a fear of not wanting to move forward directly and surely into this new phase of life.
It’s something I haven’t prepared myself much for–this way of being that I should have accepted a long time ago as the right, grownup way of being. The true knowledge that nobody is looking over your shoulder, monitoring your every move and reacting with great disappointment or pleasure if you do something wrong or right. That if I decide to get in shape and prolong my life, or sit around drinking beer and shorten my life–it’s up to me and me only. Sure, I might make my family slightly more or less proud of me, but there are no mommy or daddy figures out there somewhere or up in the clouds waiting with great expectation for me to finally discover my true purpose on earth and fulfill it.
This is not to say that I don’t still believe in God and Jesus and cosmic stuff–it’s just that I view how God is engaged with me and others on this earth in a much-altered sort of way. God doesn’t care about the things we think he does, be we liberal or conservative minded. The reason I’ve concluded this is because God seems to favor individuals doing things for other individuals in ways that are mostly hidden to those of us who need to promote ourselves everywhere and see and be seen.
All of this to say–I have no more great expectations for myself anymore, either. I don’t think that I am embarking on a new career adventure–I am paying the bills and trying to save a little for the future. I am not getting myself back in shape so that I might be noticed by beautiful people to participate with them in doing beautiful people things. I am going to get back into running to prolong death a little bit so that I can watch my child grow up and be there for him as long as he needs me to be.