The retreat.

The retreat. The feeling of always campaigning and working towards something, but then you become addicted to it. The retreat is necessary to work a little bit on developing what you’ve already attained. I got very comfortable talking to people about what I could do for them in the realm of possibility that I forgot about the fact that when I happened to land a job, I would need to break out of that mode and get to work and start delivering. You could say there was some resting on my laurels happening there. Well, of course I’ve done everything you’re asking me to do at some point–I’ve conveniently forgotten what a drudgery and pain it was, what work it was.

The process of brainstorming, getting ready, making plans. Maybe it could be an art form in and of itself. Part of me wants to spend this second half of my life just laying around getting fat when I’m not at work, but I guess I’ll run and swim some, too, just to keep me a live a little bit longer.

Part of the problem is that a lot of the things I used to write about are things that I really don’t get excited about writing about anymore. Getting worked up about politics, talking about my spirituality, complaining about my work or my relationships with others, whatever those relationships might be. Complaining mostly.

The things about me that I still believe I can change through the process of writing are things like keeping my brain from turning to utter mush, or revealing something of the subconscious that I wasn’t completely aware of.

First Saturday after the big move. Settled into work for two weeks. Coworkers are more or less agreeable sorts of people. Lots of dudes’ dudes. Not bros, maybe a lot of geeks and nerds in dev and support but the sales and marketing crew are dudes’ dudes. They are pretty likeable fellows–the pissing contest, cock waving crap is done pretty ironically–I think most everyone there is pretty self aware that we are not saving the universe or working at Google. Thank God. I got so sick of that uppity shit at the last few software companies I worked at. Companies with a tiny universe of prospects that were way top-heavy in every metric imaginable. Top heavy sales, dev, etc. People strutting around and name dropping and acting like they were somebody because they were in a meeting with a somebody.

None of that shit here, which is good. I guess I’ll have to get back into sports a little bit to hang with some of these dudes. I’m okay with that. I mean, I’m not anti-sports, or anti-football because of concussions or whatever–I am mostly just too scatter-brained and unfocused to commit to keeping up with a team throughout an entire season. I have trouble sitting through an entire movie or finishing a book.

One irony is that there is probably more diversity in my apartment complex and workplace than there was at school where it was constantly talked about and fretted over–at least diversity in the sense of cultural/racial, not so much gender or gender identity diversity at work. The apt complex is a giant compound, a real waystation for people moving from one stage in life to another. Hundreds of people living here.

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