Sloth overwhelms me

Sloth overwhelms me. I am severely unmotivated to accomplish anything of note. It is a major accomplishment to load the dishwasher and turn it on. It is a herculean effort to put a new k-cup in the keurig and brew more coffee.

It is all I can do not to doze off on the couch while the little guy plays with his toys and watches cartoons. I am becoming a babysitter dad instead of an engaged dad, and I can’t really motivate myself to get more engaged. He will remember me as being present but not really there.

I pray for someone who has cancer and needs healing. I pray for the world. I pray for peace. I imagine that I am accomplishing something by praying.

Even reading a single poem by a poet like Octavio Paz is quite the effort in paying attention and focusing. I don’t want to focus. I just want to lay around and get fat. I’ve already had five cups of coffee but I’m still kind of drowsy. If I stop taking the sleep aid, then I will never sleep and I’ll just be grumpy and exhausted the next day. Should I be crabby or should I be slothful? I suppose sloth is less of a sin if it is truly sloth, but then again, if it is really acedia, avoiding doing God’s work and trying to appear busy by writing text like this, then it is really more sinful than being crabby while trying to accomplish something of real merit.

How do I teach my son about God? How do I teach him math? I am struggling to teach him about the importance of using the potty. An abstract concept like God or subtraction seems far beyond anything I will ever be able to communicate to him.

We will travel to North Carolina in a couple of weeks. I am still unsure if I will be sticking around here at the seminary or not. My mind remains in a state of flux. However, if I haven’t landed a job by the end of the summer, I am here at seminary for the long haul, and my career shift will be permanent. On the road to North Carolina, I kind of hope that my son will not yet be potty trained or interested in using the potty. It will make for fewer stops at the gas stations along the way.

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