Austin summer is easing its way in slowly, as repeated rainshowers bring cool, muggy air to the area, and then it will be hot and dry again. The last possible train to take me back to my old career appears to have left the station. They have gone radio silent on me after three interviews. I have yet to find a church that feels like home, after the church I thought would be my home church made it clear they didn’t want me around. What I will do after leaving here is all a big mystery, and maybe that’s the right way for it to be for me.
Truth be told, I haven’t had many days down here where I’ve felt the call, the vocation, the excitement to become a pastor. If anything, I feel like all the signs pointed me in a direction to come down here, but once we got down here, the signs disappeared.
I am thinking that maybe as an adult I’ve tried for too long to be the kind of person people were expecting me to be as an adolescent and young adult–more outgoing, cheerful, friendly, talkative, responsive, engaging. And yet, most adults as they get older seem to become more like I was at the age of 12-13 onward–reserved, drawn inward, slow to respond, measured or circumspect in response, etc.
This has been a significant cause of irregular personal growth, or even stunted personal growth. At this point in my life, I care little about what other people think, and how my words are being received. I’ve discovered that no matter how clearly you try to explain your intentions and point to someone, they will pretty much end up hearing what they want to hear (and disregard the rest).