Feeling around for the edges of things inside my brain.

Feeling around for the edges of things inside my brain. Occasionally, my heart gives a little prick or tightening to let me know this can’t go on forever. Visualizing massive towers being constructed rapidly across a multi-dimensional, enfolded planet. A superspace, hyperspace, uberspace. Imagining that I could break out of a tiny mold and burst into a massive storage library of content and information, and retain all of it.

I’m forgetful of so many things that have taken place in life, so it’s not hard to imagine that I’ve forgotten a life before this life. I want to learn all of the languages, memorize all of the paintings, histories, movements. Each note that has ever been played or written down in sheet music comes forth. A complete ability to insert myself into every single system of the body, system of the world.

Outside, someone is revving up their pickup truck engine and the construction site begins to clang about. A Rimsky-Korsakov opera is playing on the television, and the little one is playing some kind of puzzle game on my tablet. The dog is snoring, the wife is sleeping. I am barely awake. I keep trying to wake up. It’s a constant struggle.

I’ve been running on autopilot, letting life come at me as it will. I can’t seem to bring myself up into a fully alert, fully awake state. I don’t seem to be programmed to do this. My life may very well be the story of a soul consumed by sloth, in spite of all his best efforts to not let it overtake him.

The works of other souls catch my interest. I read dozens of blogs and news articles at random. I hope for a better future for my son, and the outlook is always the same: the world will either be the best it’s ever been, or it will be an utter hell hole in fifty years, due to the activity of humans and their attempts to master their environment. What will win in the end? Technology that saves us or technology that eradicates us?

I am hopeless in the face of it all. I can’t accomplish much of anything by myself. I join groups, but they seem to effect little change. Even the most powerful can’t turn the ship around and change the system that we’ve built. I seek out magic. Somehow, my tiny little mind world could be capable of reaching out across the other mind worlds and impacting them all. This is pretty ineffectual as well.

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