The gift of a few over-the-counter meds

The gift of a few over-the-counter meds like dextromethorphan and doxalymine succinate: an empty head and a good night’s sleep. My dreams are mostly forgotten, they come at me in fragments and shards–pieces to tiny to cobble together into anything meaningful.

The construction site next door is slowly waking up as it’s a Saturday morning. The baby kept the mom up last night with barfing. I hope I didn’t give him anything I had last week. I’ve been sick more in the past two plus years than the rest of my adult life combined.

I’ve put my Greek studying on hiatus until Sunday afternoon, to give my brain a rest from that and so I don’t burn myself out. Though, it would seem that my obsessive side just wants to plunge back into it.

The Windows machine is still updating, it has been for an hour. I am pushing videos for the baby to watch through my phone to the Chromecast, and that always seems to be a little dicey with our connection here.

This Austin spring has been rather mild. We haven’t yet had any days that I would describe as being especially hot.

I had my second interview with S last week. I don’t really know how it went–what kind of impression I left upon the guy. I’ve been out of the marketing automation system I would be using for so long that I can only speak in general terms about its capabilities and what I did.

I have really struggled with the notion that I am someone who is putting his hand back on the plow–one not fit for the kingdom of heaven. However, I also don’t have a lot of faith in my faith, anymore, if that makes any sense. I don’t trust the part of me that thinks he is in some kind of more direct communication/receptivity from a higher power.

I believe that God loves me, and wants what is best for me, but I think maybe that a lot of what I do here on earth is for me to figure out. At the end of the day, family is always going to come first over any sort of career. If the family’s health, well-being and future comfort is better served by me working in a role I mostly came to despise but pays more money than anything else I could attempt, I have to consider such a role with practicality.

I am not especially stressed about it, though. I know it will be upsetting for some people here, and it will probably be more than a little stressful trying to find a new place to live in a short amount of time and readjust to the corporate world, but it could pay off much more fruitfully for my family in even the near future as in a few months from now.

Certainly, I am not considering doing anything un-American. If anything, I think most average folks who believe they are the wisest when they are really just filled with some average amount of common sense would say that I would have been better served to remain at any number of jobs I abandoned in the past and just toughed it out for a few more years before moving on. After feeling like I was completely imprisoned and shackled to my desk and the people at mce and to some degree uw, I became very obsessed with making sure I didn’t stay at any one job longer than I had to, and if any boss committed a dealbreaker while I was employed there, I would simply quit rather than put up with their shit indefinitely.

I may have taken such job-hopping to an extreme beyond what I should have…something in between the three years at uw and the often less-than-year at many subsequent jobs would have likely made more sense.

Gain access to a new thing

Gain access to a new thing. Imagine you are tiny, running around inside your brain, bumping into all of your thoughts and images…

frosted wheats, cheetos, maltballs, dutch oven pie, camping smells of camp chests full of bug spray and deoderant leaked out. suddenly, memories of summer camp. each year down in southern missouri. wandering off from the group into the forest for hours. finding baby deer and turtles. communing with nature.

i miss the natural world. why can’t i seem to get back to it?

what is this insistence on finding my way inside words?

imagining a triangle above my head, and me flitting about from corner to corner like a ping-pong ball stuck within the lines of the triangle. worn like a tricorner hat, a cheesehead hat.

why can’t they cut open a lower life form and extract all of its memories from its tiny little brain? if we are purely physical and material beings in this physical world, why is this such a difficult task for scientists?

where is the information really being stored?

Gain access to an old thing…return to what matters most.

Same path trod.
Same path as millions of others.
Same results.
Same conclusions.
Continued refusal to accept that this is all.
An invitation to sup with Christ.
Sit and dine with Christ, have a meal and conversation.
The love Christ outpours is overwhelming.
Christ ceaselessly empties the Spirit,
with no reservation, no holding back.
The outpouring of love is rooted in the communion.
The mixing of the Word, the Spirit with the urgent needs of the human animal.
The invitation to sup with Christ comes cutting
through a morass of desires to fill myself up with the pride of the vastly learned.
I continually forget that I am here because I am a follower of Christ, not a follower of human theories, theologies, modes of worship, approaches to exegesis, methods of textual criticism.
Meanwhile my spirit shrivels up, my soul gasps in great thirst
As I try to power myself ahead by brain and body alone.
Agape love is what remains after the dross is melted away.
I should never shy away from the flames when they come my way
Licking at my most precious pieces of Ego
I’ve erected in forms less stable than the shoddiest house of cards.
I should leap into the flames with all of my faith kept front and center
In all I think, say and do.
The flames will bring pain and sometimes uncertainty and even something worse–accedia,
But in the end the flames will burn away the pieces of Ego
Accruing like barnacles, clutching fast to an otherwise faithful boat
What remains will be the kind of vessel that can sail through any tempest.