i am a being in this world. i exist. i am threatened with hell by one religion, by having my memory wiped and being sent back into a new random body by another religion, or threatened with complete annihilation by another religion that prides itself on not being a religion, but it really is, whether it wants to believe it is or not.
i feel like this world is primarily indifferent to me. i might have a different impression if i was richer or poorer, but being who i am, i mostly experience utter indifference on a daily basis. i am irrelevant. i only matter to a few loved ones.
my most cherished delusion: that i will one day be known for having invented or thought of something unique, and having that idea or object be associated with me forever. i have given up on pursuing this.
i no longer expect to persist after death in a manner of which i have any great control. as long as i don’t kill anyone, cheat on my wife, steal anything over $5, lie to hurt or really lie except a little white lie that never hurt nobody anyway–i will have at least lived a life as good as most other men. wherever i go after death will see me in good company with many others.
i think a lot about what it means to persist long after death. i don’t necessarily mean persist in a minimalist heaven worshiping the LORD or being reborn again and again. i consider what it would be like to persist, even as a ghost, and have access to the libraries and various scenic places of the world. a harmless ghost, mind you, just a happy little spirit absorbing information here and there.
i think a lot about what it means to watch all the lights go out and know that i am not going to be able to come back to this body. somehow, i don’t think the experience is going to be especially exhilarating. i don’t live in fear, but i do live in a state of denial and hope that i could just continue to somehow persist more or less as i am.
reincarnation can seem to be appealing, if you believe that you get to pick your next life to a T. you can come back as a prince or princess as many times as you like until you get bored with it.
i think that a lot of theological and philosophical discussion will be proven to be only marginally close to the Truth, when the truth is revealed to me. i somehow think that all of the things of the present and past that i and others believe to matter so much will become things of little or no account once death greets us, and we are removed from the system of this world.
your problems of theodicy, shaking your fist at God, and screaming why o why will suddenly be moot. the great evils of our recent history will mean something else in the great beyond, and all who have experienced evil unjustly and perhaps even justly will be comforted in the end.
i’ve only recently begun to see myself as a normal person in the sense of not being some oddly-fitting blob of consciousness stuffed in an uncomfortable meat/emotion cage.