Where to go next? I’ve been asking the question ever since college, and the answer has never gotten any clearer. If anything, it is a lot less clear now. Where to go next, to do something that won’t completely render me incapable of supporting my family for years to come, but also won’t make God zap me straight to hell for turning around and putting my hand back on the proverbial plow.
There haven’t been any big, illuminating moments where I’ve come into my own down here. I have clearly demonstrated that I would be adequate at any of the career options I could pick coming out of this school, but I’ve always been good at being adequate at most everything. There hasn’t been the moment where I totally latched onto something with the certain, deep realization that this is my life’s calling and work, this is what I was made to do.
I wonder what it’s like for other people who come to those kinds of conclusions. How does it feel inside, and what kinds of thought processes take place to erase all doubt about who it is you were meant to be, and what you were meant to be doing? Are those people wired differently than me, or are they just better at fooling themselves into thinking they have it all figured out when they really don’t?
I’ve tried to keep an open mind–keep my options open. I’ve tried to narrow my focus and assert as if I really knew for sure that there was one and only one thing I should be doing. Neither have worked very well for me. I am adequate at doing both, but never quite good enough to have the “options open” approach take me any place special, and not tough enough to hold my resolve that this one particular thing is the only thing I should be doing in the face of all other evidence to the contrary.
Look at anyone in entertainment who has a subpar voice, looks, acting ability, but has gone on to make a great name for themselves. Where does that kind of resolve come from? And, can it come from a place where God’s will is still being done? For sure, many of those folks made up their minds about what they were going to do, and stopped believing in God for the most part. But, for me, every time I have ever gotten singularly focused on becoming one thing above all else, I have ultimately felt at some point that God wasn’t really guiding me at all–it was simply my own stupid overinflated ego.