Days like these where I wonder heavily why I didn’t just go pursue a BS in Mathematics. I may not have walked away with anything much higher than a 3.0 GPA after it was all said and done, but I don’t think I would have had to put up with as much BS as this. I have entered a truly dark night of the soul, in terms of where I’m supposed to go next, and nothing here is looking very illuminating. The possibility of going back into the workforce seems to be behind me as well.
There’s really this feeling of being kind of in a no man’s land, where no choice I can make about moving forward makes any sense to me at all.
The realization that I’m not really going to be able to rely on anyone or anything “out there” to help me out of this, and the slow-coming/no-coming insights of the past few weeks seem to indicate that just about any decision I could make right now would be equally bad/good, as long as it didn’t mess up my family’s chances to thrive and survive. Being a data entry clerk or Linux Sysadmin, or going on to be a pastor or a professor–whatever, doesn’t matter.
As my writing would indicate, the creativity is gone, too. I’ve been trying to milk something that had mostly dried up a long time ago. That’s probably the weirdest thing–my sense of being creative and intelligent is all but gone. My ability to communicate reasonably well when writing a paper or talking to someone in class is simply coming from muscle memory and what knowledge I am able to retain from my studies. But, my ability to memorize in an athletic fashion seems all but gone, if I ever had such a thing to begin with.
So, why am I still writing? Mostly, just out of a sense of duty–to log things that are transpiring as they do. The job hunt is back on ice. The classes have gone just so-so. The sense of a calling to be a pastor or a chaplain is pretty dim. My love of Christ and desire to learn more about the Bible and things related to the Bible seems to be mostly undiminished–but it is indeed a passion or thing of joy, not necessarily an aptitude or a sign that I could be some kind of great Bible scholar. I would say that I’m greatly humbled, but the feeling is almost flatter than that–I don’t feel especially low or impoverished of spirit so much as neutral and not particularly full or lacking in pride. Which means that I will never make a good martyr or saint, either.
My love of my little son continues to grow. He is a delight and treasure and gift. I honestly can’t believe that he is with us–God has given me something more than what I deserve. Thankfully, God didn’t just give me the life I deserved after the way I behaved in my teens and twenties, or I would probably be in prison or washing dishes in a halfway house. However, I still get lonely for and miss my mom and little brother almost every day. I certainly don’t deserve to have them in my life after the way I treated them, but that doesn’t make me miss them any less.