Monday morning, first day of Spring semester classes, first year of grad school. Routine has been established, but not enough so that I consistently do physical activity and tend to scholarship money. Just enough of a routine to get me out the door and get my son to his school, and me to class so that I can keep my head afloat. I feel an enormous weight off my back sense I’ve decided to abandon Facebook for the second time. Hopefully, this time is for good. There has been way too much negativity increasing inside of me toward others, and a great lack of objectivity about who/how people really are.
It has also been helpful for me to return to reading Buddhist texts, and think about reality outside of the everyday paradigms in which I’m used to situating myself, be it the Judeo-Christian one or the post-modern Scientific one, or even the crazy, post-truth, post-facts world of news and politics.
Mostly, I am looking for a consistent framework that I can rely upon, without this framework becoming so rigid that I can’t adapt to new situations. It should be obvious, but I have to remind myself constantly that I control so little of what goes on out there, and I have neglected to control much of what goes on in here that I should have been controlling.
Random dreams last night about my own vanity. I came across an ID card from ten years ago in the dream, and this card had a little animated GIF of me interacting with someone I once knew on it. In the dream, my hair was plentiful and flaxen, and I looked sort of like an eighties sitcom teen heartthrob. I was convinced in the dream that I was able to look that way from simply using Rogaine, and my stopping the application of it had turned me into a wizened old man who looks more like the Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
I think it was a reminder of how in the past I’d held a much higher estimation of myself and my appearance than I really needed to, or perhaps that I still cling in the present to a false notion of how I once looked. Such dreams are primarily prompts to clean up crud that I still cling to, I think.