The inner excitement

The inner excitement. The self-made stimulation. The artwork and movies inside the skull, beneath the eyelids. You ask me if I am retreating into escapism. I argue that I am seeking a new kingdom. I am putting away my childish need to be stimulated and entertained from the outside. I am full of excitement about getting to exist in this life for another day. I am not depressed about being old or being less than perfect.

I want to share with you how happy I’ve been when I let my conscious self go deeply enough into my mind past all of the worry and desire.

I wish that I could take some of my happiness and pull it out of me and put it into you.

The lovely thing is that time itself has stopped crashing along at its manic pace. I am happy and excited when I think of almost anything that is left to be discovered in this life. I am happy and excited that there are too many things for me to get through in one lifetime. I am joyous for the opportunity to sit here and exist, and to be aware of my existence and aware of the other beings on this earth with me.

I am imagining beings all over the earth taking deep breaths and relaxing, and attempting to lower their heightened demands they are making upon themselves and others. Everyone is suddenly finding wonderful inner peace deep within them.

I am full of hope for the future because Walt Whitman was full of hope for the future in a time that was darker than this one. I don’t think that we get to get through these next decades pain-free, because we haven’t earned it. We are still wreaking pain on others, whether our eyes are open to it or not.

But, I still have hope for the future because I can see in my heart that love really is a stronger force than evil. I have veered over into the evil side more times than I can count. I can see how it would be appealing to stay there, and never come back. The rewards are quite nice. But, love will win, and anyone who is winning today because they have embraced evil will find themselves sorely losing tomorrow. Their suffering will be unimaginable compared to the suffering some of us will have to endure for the sake of expressing our faith in Christ, and keeping that faith true to its origins.

But, mostly, I want to stay beneath the turbulent waters above tonight. I know about the coming storm, and I know I will have to go up and face the coming storm, but I want to spend a little more time down here where it is quiet and calm. The mania of trying to name reality exactly as it should be named doesn’t abide down here. You only fight over that which you think you can control or own. In a place where you are simply incapable of asserting that kind of ownership or control, the very act of trying to declare what it is or isn’t becomes absurd. Your chatter is lost in the roar of the quiet.

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