i don’t know why i can’t settle into something and be happy about it

i don’t know why i can’t settle into something and be happy about it. i don’t know if i really need that much more than what i already have. perhaps i am wrongly seeing the act of moving toward a career of helping others as being a means of adding to what i already have in some way. adding to my treasures in heaven, brownie/karma points with God, etc.

This could be a huge part of why I experience so many periods of unhappiness throughout the week, even as I am now in theory on the right path. My expectation is still that I will add something more to a collection of things I call my own–more data points on a resume, more memories in others of me helping them, more opportunities to seal the deal on getting to heaven.

In reality, this particular pursuit, if it is to be pursued effectively and at least to some degree in line with what Christ wanted us to be–it must be pursued with an eye toward not adding anything at all to what I already have. The entire mentality of having something needs to change, for sure, but what I have is all I will ever need. This is about giving away an abundance, not seeking to add something more to a collection I call mine.

I may very well be on the inside like a morbidly obese person who always feels like they are hungry and need a little more food to feel full. Just a little more information, knowledge–one more thing here to write–can I do just a little more for others so that I feel like I’ve filled up my karma coffers, and my heavenly stomach isn’t going to go hungry? In reality, I am overfed. I am surrounded by more wisdom and blessings of intelligence and health and capabilities than I can possibly imagine. What I should be doing is thinking about how to get rid of some of this stuff and give it to others who could use it.

In this light, I may not even know what it means to give. The very act of giving should imply that I am sharing something I once called mine with someone with an expectation that I will never get it back and never get anything back to replace it. Too many of my volunteering experiences have been just that–experiences provided for my consumption, things to be added to a resume or to some feel-good list. There is certainly nothing wrong with moments when the person being helped transforms the helper’s life for the better, but the act of charity implies that I am not simply going out and collecting another memory or experience that I can brag about.

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