It’s all just an exercise in pretending that I have control over something

It’s all just an exercise in pretending that I have control over something, as I grow older and become more acquainted with the realization that I have control over very little. It would seem that the little I have been given to have control over ultimately will be the few talents I was supposed to invest wisely in order to make them become even more abundant. Will the returning Master decide that I have hidden most of my precious few talents?

Do I even know at this late of an hour what those talents are? I don’t. I can’t understand why for so many years I allowed myself to be misled by so many convincing outside forces that I was in charge of things. This is the great illusion of the American Dream. As long as you think that you are in control, then you think that you are free. As long as you think that freedom means being more free than most people have been throughout history, then you think that you are free. Freedom is being able to listen to whatever music you want, get a tattoo, and rant away on blogs nobody reads or on your Facebook feed with the utterly pathetic delusion you are changing someone else’s mind.

Did God ever favor America, or was it Mammon we always worshiped, and Mammon who always kept us safe? Does God love Donald Trump? If God is all-loving, then of course He does. If God is the same God who said David was a man after his own heart, then God may very well think that Trump is much the same. Somewhere, underneath all of this random speculation, I am sensing the Truth. The Truth is very far away from all of us right now.

Can I ever get back to a place where I know unequivocally that I am on the right and true path, and I am also happy? I am interested in being many people in many places and times. I am interested in becoming someone who is not human. I am interested in waking up one morning and seeing that I have somehow managed to pick up a sling and slain a giant. I am tired of picking up pebbles and slowly chipping away at things that I can’t stand. I want to slay a giant, and not wake up the day after that as one slain myself, but rather a king. If there is anything about David I want to emulate, it’s that moment of demonstrating that not only the giant can no longer stand, but the current king who may be a bigger man in the eyes of those who see things superficially is no longer God’s choice to be king. Who am I talking about? Trump? Maybe, but I am also talking about the mentality that pervades this country which says an outsized personality who is truthphobic but able to constantly play to the amnesia of others is a more capable leader than a seeker of truth. A country that puts a man like Trump up as its leader is a country that no longer deserves to be favored in the eyes of God. Surely, we will fall in the same way that every other great civilization and worldwide primary power of a time and place has fallen. America deserves Donald Trump, but unless it has a serious change of heart in the very near future about this decision and decides he needs to go, America no longer deserves the prosperity and status it has enjoyed for the past fifty or so years. It deserves the same fate as the republics that have fallen before it. As I have enjoyed the largess of a once favored nation, I will soon reap the failed crops of its failed sowings.

But, to return to the question of who favored America? Did God favor a nation built on the backs of slaves and millions of murdered Native Americans? Was this part of God’s plan, or was this country founded on Mammon, while the message of Christianity somehow managed to find its way through the cracks of the money-worshiping cities and seep into some of the souls of a few truly righteous ones? My inclination is to think that America was part of God’s plan, but God’s plan is far from over and the ultimate realization of that plan will take place in a time and place far removed from this one.

But, that is my inclination, not a prophecy. We have indeed embraced a deal with the devil in our willingness to be deceived by such a man as Donald Trump and the negative forces that propelled him forward. Perhaps our punishment will be light–a decade or so of suffering the fate of nations like Great Britain or Germany, and then more decades of recovery and prosperity, if never to be #1 again as China takes over that slot. Even those who voted for Trump seem mostly to be either cut from the same cloth of evil that he is, or they are quick to equivocate and rationalize about how bad Hillary would have been, with little or no evidence to back up such a claim. They are nervous because they know that they went into the voting booth and said yes to a man who speaks of women in a way that would have gotten him shot dead had he said such a thing about those men’s own daughters. And yet, those same men can chuckle and snicker among themselves because they say much the same things about what they would like to do to women who aren’t their own wives and mothers and daughters. They are mostly nervous, though, because they know they have made a deal with Satan himself, and are simply hoping that it elicits only some temporary discomfort on a path to more years of enjoying the fruits of Mammon worship that were reaped from the fields sown by the blood of long-dead Native Americans and African slaves.

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