There really isn’t such a thing as free time, anymore. The free time has all been used up and spent. Sometimes I was productive in my free time, most of the time, I was not. Who I will become is no longer an epic thing. I will not end up being a great being nor will I ever be a truly wretched one. Faith in God means that I have stopped putting faith in myself to get me where I need to go, and I have discovered a great freedom in knowing that I don’t have to go anywhere.
The freedom from the constant pressure to become somebody or develop a certainty that I am saved from hell means that I no longer write things that are as creative and interesting as they once were. It also doesn’t mean that I stop writing and do nothing much at all with my time, either.
I am mostly compelled not to try to live outside of the moment that I am in. There is no need to always be stretching and reaching for a great future date when it all comes together. I can live in this moment and enjoy my gifts of health and family, blessings of living in a safe part of the world, and little tiny shards of remaining free time to read and reflect on reality. But the time that is not free time should be seen as a gift as well.
All time that remains for me is a gift.
What else is there to say of the past? It is gone. Even the past that took place last week, let it go. Of course, the past of ancient civilizations is utterly fascinating to me, but I am talking about my own past. All of the past conflicts with other human beings–what did they ever amount to?
I can pray for a better future for those who are less fortunate, and take time to help them out in a small and mostly insignifcant way. But, I no longer am going to be seized with the need to embark upon righteous crusades. I am too old and set in my ways to go about crusading. My window of believing that I could change the world opened and shut rather quickly, and now I am among those sages and clowns of history who claim that little of it is in our control, anyway.
Could we as humanity have stopped the Holocaust? I think so, but the kinds of forces that were needed to prevent it from happening were perhaps hidden from view. The man or woman who could have mobilized a large group of Germans to change their public opinion never presented themselves. Such is the same with Donald Trump. If there exists one among us who could have made the tide shift and kept Trump as one who was always seen as nothing more than a mere sideshow, that one never came forth and had their voice amplified loudly enough.
The man like Alex Jones, who would perpetuate a kind of alternate reality alongside the truth we know to be truth in our innermost selves, always seems to be more capable of achieving great results in the face of those who would stick to the facts. For, almost everyone knows in their bones that there is more to reality than what science and the mainstream media tells us–but, most of us don’t end up believing that the part that “is more than” is the same thing as “completely and utterly different than.” We still believe that manmade climate change is real, and that the Sandy Hook shootings were real, and that 9/11 was likely not completely designed and carried out by the powers that be. We simply believe that within any one of these things, there are going to be biases and agendas that reveal and conceal particular aspects of the truth while seeking to minimize others.
I for one find that it is of little or no help to be in a state of constantly believing that there are even greater exclusive secrets which the media, powers that be, and God are not revealing to me because none of them feel like I can handle it. When you keep yourself in that perpetual state of mind, you start to believe that just about any so-called secret someone reveals is part ot the larger truth. If you are Christian, then you diminish the fact that Jesus sought to bring to us a revelation of a reality that is very much a WYSIYWYG one. Surely, he did say that there are more things that will be revealed to us, but there was never the intention that we would completely abandon our compasses of truth based on this world as-it-is.