When I can wallow again in my own selfish thoughts

I am unreservedly anticipating with great desire the moment after tomorrow or Friday when I turn in my final paper for the semester, and I can wallow again in my own selfish thoughts, without any concern for needing guidance or direction. There will be plenty of books laying around the house and movies to watch online. I can sit and contemplate my existence or be utterly dismissive of my spirituality until next year. I could go ahead and order my books for my classes and begin reading ahead of time, and be more prepared and highly advanced than any of my classmates.

Therein, of course, lies the problem. This is the problem of why I ended up wasting my life away in so many various offices in Austin and Waco, and never accomplished much of anything in my free time. It is why I finally buckled down and went back to school. Without some external force of direction, I am virtually worthless as a human being. I want to do everything and nothing all at once, and so I settle for pretending I am doing everything by drinking and watching movies and buying and checking out books that I mostly don’t read, and then writing a little dribble of drivel here and there.

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This has been a rough transition for me. I have come out of it feeling pretty bloodied and unsure of anything. Primarily, I think I have lost my appetite for theological discussion, as it seems to me to be so much more dense and remote than I thought it would be. Secondly, the Trump election has put me into a world of uncertainty about what reality will look like in one year. Thirdly, I have greatly diminished much of the self confidence (or pride) I had in my abilities. The first semester was hard. I gave up jogging during the week of the mid-terms and never took it back up. I fell back on old, auto-pilot ways of behavior and sinned more than I should have.

Also, I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have a hard time getting along with people that rub me the wrong way. I am fed up with anyone who supported Trump–why can’t they look past the liberal arguments for why he’s no good and see just how dangerous and incompetent he is? I am fed up with these ultra-liberal types at my school, like the lady who clearly has painted a target on my back because I am a white, heterosexual male. I don’t think I can open my mouth without her scowling at me and waiting for me to say something she can pounce on and disagree with. I am sick of this notion that white males can’t say anything about the human experience other than things about their own white male experience of privilege. What about the utter simplicity of an individual human soul attempting to speak to other individual human souls? Does she think that I pause to listen to her because my rationale is “oh, I best stop my mansplaining and check my white, male privilege?” Of course I don’t think that! I pause to listen to what she says, because I recognize that as an INDIVIDUAL human being, she has different experiences and perspectives than I do. At the rate we are going with all of this need for each little pocket of demographics to assert their own particular viewpoint as being radically unique, we will eventually have liberation theologies at the individual level. Perhaps this is a good thing, because we will then end up seeing that at some deep place in the individual level, we have more in common as human beings than we don’t.

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