It’s Sunday morning and I am not in church because I am supposed to be studying for my finals. I will be shortly, but I felt like I needed to take a moment to write something down.
I have an incredible urge to write an enormous amount of stuff down…all of my sinful urges confessed before posterity, as well as all of my hopes and dreams and good things that I’ve done.
At the end of the day, will I be seen as mostly a good man when I am weighed in the balance? Will my desire to seek a return to my Christian faith, and my professing of belief in Jesus most every Sunday be enough?
Or will all of my sins weigh me down, or perhaps I struck a rock at some point that I shouldn’t have, and now I will never be allowed to enter the Promised Land? Or, maybe, I was never among the Elect to begin with?
Some people who knew me once would say, of course he’s a good Christian. Others will say, of course he’s not.
I was definitely a man. I thought like a man, I lusted like a man.
But, I could also see just how easily I could have adapted, as a soul reincarnated, into being a woman or some other non-normative gender.
For me, the desire was always to find a way to express myself from a place of an individual human being communicating with other human beings, in hopes that at least some of my thoughts and feelings were considered universal.