Part of me is still very much wondering if I am just playing a game instead of doing a real thing. I want to go and do real things, help real people, but I seem to be endlessly caught up in the act of preparation for it.
What of this culture, this society, this time and place, will some future enlightened generation find to be of value? All of it? None of it? Some of it, but not what we think they would find interesting?
Are we all just a bunch of little children finding endless ways to amuse ourselves, instead of going out and doing real things–namely, helping lost souls?
Once again, I find myself returning to the place where I want to indulge my flesh and try to escape from God. I want to buy books to comfort me, eat sweets, drink beer and masturbate. I want to be a needy thing, or anything but a true grown-up–not a grown-up per my culture but a grown-up per God.
There isn’t anything I need. Do I even need to be here, or should I have just happily accepted a role as a stay-at-home dad? Of course, I felt like I wasn’t contributing enough to the world, but what world? Surely not the secular world that is trying to make something of itself independently of God.