The way I caught some people looking at me was almost enough to knock me back down, but it didn’t. I realize that there are going to be times where I have to endure a kind of scrutiny from eyes that appear to know or at least believe that I am an absolute fraud. It’s the deep, almost malevolent-looking scowls that really start to penetrate my skin. Even when I think I am completely smiley and happy and not full of even the slightest bad thought, there are those individuals who seem to be looking right through me and seeing the dark places in my soul.
Of course, I have no idea what they are thinking, or if they are even half aware of the looks on their own faces. They very well could be lost in their own particular worlds of anger or sorrow about things that have nothing to do with me.
I have long rejected and fought my ability to pick up on the unspoken waves of emotion and energy that seep through a room. The people around me may be in denial of how they are feeling or what they are really thinking, but I am surprisingly accurate when I allow myself to believe what I am sensing through this sixth sense, rather than try to deny it and receive people merely by how they choose to project themselves.
It probably would have done me some good to pay attention to this a long time ago. It would have helped me avoid many wearying relationships and workplaces that turned out to be exactly as they first seemed below the surface.
As I dive into this new life for myself, I have to constantly remind myself that I am going nowhere without God. There really are no paths to success if I start to rely on my own sense of what it means to have charisma and project an outward sort of confidence and happiness. Admittedly, some people are attracted to so-called magnetic personalities that are clearly the work of the individual (and perhaps the devil), and the real person beneath those personalities is often just a plain, boring human–sometimes a dark and sinister one, but usually not.
The truth is, we are all mostly trying to hide a boring side, not an evil one. In fact, we might even start to nurture a flirtation with dark things just to convince ourselves that we are spicier underneath our shiny surfaces than we really are.