It is raining outside. It is early. We are cooped up, the baby is fussing. I was getting a few good insights but they disappeared. Right now, I am stuck in this waiting period where we can’t afford to go anywhere, the house hasn’t sold yet, school hasn’t started, and it’s supposed to rain all week. I guess the rain is better than the relentless heat, but right now, we are all feeling cabin fever inside our reduced-size home. Or, at least the baby and I are feeling it.
I am also feeling stabs of loneliness. I feel like I am on an island–this perpetual island of not being quite able to connect with anyone the way that I would like to. A listens and sometimes offers helpful suggestions, but I feel sometimes like my mind is a million miles away. The affirmation and confirmation I really need to make me confident that I’ve made the right decision to come here hasn’t come yet. I’ve gotten signs from God–the swift and almost perfect sale of the house, the right timing of things needed to sell the condo, the ways in which our health has been kept mostly free of issues that would have required me to abandon this dream.
But, I also feel like I am mostly just talking to myself. God pops up now and then in little bursts of sunlight that jab in through all of these clouds. For the most part, though, I am caught up in reverie of ideas for sermons and how I would interpret texts and ideas for how I can contribute to the fishers-of-men team–ideas that may be utterly abysmal theology for all I know. The echo chamber can be deafening. The desire to act, to get things done, to will myself forward is strong, though I know that it is a desire to be muted and subjected to the will of the Lord. I am having constant dreams about failing to graduate from high school or college on time, or failing to be properly signed up for classes in a dream graduate program. There are always missed opportunities or rules I forgot to read or follow.
I am occasionally still beset by delusions that I, too, will do something great on this earth before I die–though these mostly abate pretty quickly once I remind myself of how little of anything I really have done. If God had intended greatness for me, I am pretty sure there would have been more signs of its coming by now. I think the delusions mostly came from parents who, like any others, wanted me to be as successful as possible and who wanted to believe that their son was especially gifted though he probably wasn’t.
The ego does need a good pummeling now and then, though wallowing in despair and self-defeat isn’t any good, either. The ego needs to be shut down and replaced with more faith–faith that God is indeed still moving in me and moving to shape me and mold me into something bigger and better than who I am today. This requires a very acute and close relationship with God that will hold up in the face of so many daunting times–or more to the point, times like today when the baby is constantly fussing and it’s raining outside.