Today is August 13, a Saturday. I’ve been back in Austin for two days. The past week has been non-stop work to make the move happen and get the paperwork signed to sell the house. I have been really bad about remembering to take time to stop and reflect, be grateful to God for what he’s given me, and ask Him for a recharge. Yes, I’ve napped and slept, but I haven’t mindfully and purposefully reflected on my state of mind and how I feel about where things are headed. I am sort of holding my breath until the house is sold. Any number of things could go wrong, and while I don’t think that is God’s plan for me, I can’t help but want to refrain from relaxing too much until the payout is in the bank.
The weather is the relentless Central Texas heat, which I suppose I should be completely used to by now, having lived more of my life in this area than any other part of the country. But, I actually grow more sensitive to it as I get older–I feel like every inch of visible skin is being overexposed to UV rays, my remaining hair feels like it is dying in the heat with the hair follicles just giving up. I feel big, old and hairy instead of young and unflappable.
My dad came by today, and I had to muster all of my strength to have patience with him and the way that he is. He is a stubborn old man who hates being told anything that might be helpful to him, but loves the chance to help me with things. I think it’s a power trip for him to maintain the same father-son dynamic from when I was eight. He really doesn’t like anyone helping him, though. I suppose he sees it as a weakness, but I think he is really just afraid of disrupting his sense of still being independent and in control of everything. If someone is helping him even by paying for his lunch or getting him a glass of water, he seems a bit nervous about the whole thing.
It can be pretty frustrating. I mean, I am 40 years old now, and I hate feeling like I’m eight again, and helpless and Daddy needs to do everything. I often feel more compelled to spend time with him because I know I will feel guilty later on in life after he’s gone, if I haven’t hung out with him at least once a month now that I’m back in Austin.
I do hope that school will keep me extremely busy and occupied, though. I want to be involved with groups on campus, and I want to study as much as I can. I can see myself very rapidly falling into a comfy lack of interest in being sociable or doing more than the minimum required to pass a class, if I am not careful.