I continue to give thanks to the Lord for the blessings in my life. He is the reason we have come this far, and are on the verge of making a great and exciting transition. I pray to the Lord for protection for my family. Please watch over us, Lord, as we move into new territory, as we are on uncertain ground with our health insurance until September 1. Please keep us healthy Lord, for the rest of our lives, not just until we have certain health coverage again. Please forgive me, Lord, for my sinful and impure thoughts. Thoughts of wrath and lust, thoughts of imagining negative things happening. I don’t want to be my old self, anymore.
I am grateful to be alive and healthy, with an opportunity to start over my career correctly. I am grateful to have a happy, healthy family, and live in a time and place where peace is often taken for granted by the people who benefit from it. I am grateful that the seminary has shown itself thus far to be a place full of giving and caring people–a stark contrast to many of the places I worked in Austin. I am grateful to the Lord for keeping my little dog alive and healthy, and pray that she will learn to be less grumpy around the baby. I am grateful for my little son–he is the greatest of blessings. Even when he is angry and fussy, I am a blessed man.
The Lord has provided me with extra years in life to get things right. Reading back on things that I wrote in my late twenties, I can see just how far from the mark I was in so many ways. To be for sure, I was beginning to turn to the Lord at times even then, but I was hardly one to place all or even most of my trust in the Lord. I wasn’t mature about how I needed to approach the social world, convinced at times that I was either the ugliest or most handsome man ever, and convinced that every single display of a woman’s body language was intentionally directed at me for better or worse. I held on for so long to my own world instead of bursting out and accepting reality for what it is.
The Kingdom that is within me, the still small voice–these weren’t things I was listening for when I spent hours obsessing over my own thoughts. The vastness of the Kingdom was perhaps too much for me.
I think it’s safe to say that I do not have a lot of things figured out. I am to approach the rest of my life from the perspective of someone who should be open to criticism, instruction and rebuke. There is no reason to believe that just because I am older, I am wiser. I may not even be that much wiser about people and God than I was when I was 28–I simply know better than to open my mouth and declare something as a great truth or thing I know for certain, when I do not.
God must be the go-to for everything I communicate. I must be listening for His voice at all times. God knows how to give people the right answer that they need at the right time. It may not be the answer that will make them nod sagely at how profound I am–they may react violently or dismiss what I am saying as being trite aphorisms reducible to cliches. But, if my words are truly spoken from a heart that is listening to God, that individual will remember them later when they need them or will continue to ponder what is said and have their eyes opened at a later date. If my words are simply spoken from some set of doctrines I had to memorize by rote, then I will likely end up alienating most people, and I will probably be dispensing the wrong advice at the wrong time, even if it is Bible truth.
There is too much of a burden there, if I am thinking I must be solely responsible for always knowing what to say to others.