This is difficult to explain, but I am very much aware of how the clock is ticking, and how much time I’ve wasted. The down time may be needed now and then, but it can also feel like a pure indulgence instead of a renewal. I am all for a renewal, but I can hardly stress enough to myself just how much of a chance at renewal I’ve gotten over the past year. Yes, watching a baby full time every single week day is stressful and requires more effort than one would imagine, and I probably wouldn’t want to do it again. But, I’ve also had the opportunity to renew my spirit which had been languishing in an endless-seeming existence of offices and mean people.
Death doesn’t scare me like it used to. My death will come when it comes. But, the fact that I am an older dad who looks even older than he really is due to his graying, thinning hair does bother me. It irks me because I haven’t really done anything with my life that would have put that much stress on me. So, I can conclude that my own internal way of coping with life has been one of putting undue stress on myself, or my genetic hand dealt to me was a really crummy one when it comes to hair and skin.
Aside from my appearance, the will to be accomplishing something has never been stronger. I might be exacerbating my graphomania by trying to write all the time–fanning the flames of a compulsion that I can generally quiet down–but, on the other hand, I feel almost like nothing if I don’t hammer out some words about…anything.