The endless drive to push something out, anything, to leave something behind. I am hiding behind it, if I can’t bring myself to become more engaged with others. There is no more blaming others, no more bitterness over the past, no more crippling habits. If I must start over again as if I were 25 instead of 40, so be it. It is better than trying to perpetuate someone who is not me.
I must be careful when I consider “not me” vs. “me.” There is a hard line for some things, but for others, I may end up repressing or removing pieces of myself that I should just let be. I think both “not me” and “me” like art museums and want to go back to New York City. But, “me” just wants to appreciate art and occasionally dabble in it as a hobby, while “not me” wants to run off and be homeless, if I have to, in order to see myself become a true artist.
Also, it’s not like I am wanting to insist upon some kind of rigidity for the me I will carry forward. I like the idea of getting up at 5 AM every day to go run, but I don’t see it happening very often.