This may just be a day to take a break from the hard core getting ready mode/kick I’ve been on over the past week. I got some shit done, and then had the wind knocked out of my sails when the realtor told me we wouldn’t be able to ask much more than what we paid for the house. I know it’s not a perfect house, but surely all these weirdos that want to be like the HGTV couple will see the potential here, right?
The fact that I am going back to school in two+ months seems to be one that perhaps I haven’t fully grasped yet. Sure, I’ve been reading a bunch of religious books, and getting the house ready for the sale and move, but it also still seems quite far away. Also, there is the ever-present fear that this all may be too good to be true, and I will have nothing waiting for me when we get down there. Then, I’ll have to find another crappy office job, and suck it up and bow my head to submit to my fate.
It certainly has felt good to be up and doing things and not feeling like everything is so overwhelming that I don’t know where to start. Like anything else in life, it always ends up feeling better if there is some kind of balance–putting everything or nothing in God’s hands doesn’t work, but sharing the burden does.
Falling back into my mind, but not quite falling asleep–all the memories of what it was like to have a future of endless possibilities on the horizon. The smell of ozone in the air on a hot dry summer’s day before the storm rolls in. The ease of youth. Being back on campus in the fall, or on a warm winter’s day at the start of spring semester. Maybe this time, things will be different.
Some of it went away because I grew old, hopeless and jaded. Some of it left because I worked to repress it. But, snatches of a dream of living in New York or San Francisco pop up. Dreams of being busy and young and having a world of friends.
Does falling back into my mind do me any good? Sometimes–it seems to refresh and reconnect things that have become frayed in a way that sleep alone cannot. However, I can’t stand it when I only fall back into places that still hurt but our deeply buried.