I woke up this morning and I had spent a night of being attacked by a myriad of thought patterns

I woke up this morning and I had spent a night of being attacked by a myriad of thought patterns that I really didn’t want to have anymore, but I have them because I invited them in once. They are like vampires.
Maybe they are vampires.
On another subject, I’ve discovered that my lazy way of being is to become an intense specialist. Everyone wants to be a big picture and a strategist, because we all innately understand that these are the leaders. The little people make cabinets and stay out of the way.
You have to really work at getting rid of your ego if you want to be a leader, but a servant first. A servant-first mentality with an ego still attached will see you become the class clown, fool or whipping boy. People will think that you are relishing your role of being their bitch.
I suppose I could also throw in the difference between being active and passive, but it is probably better to consider the difference between being awake and alert and letting life roll you over. For what it’s worth, the commandment to be sharp as a serpent and innocent as a dove rings true.
There is no avoiding the fact that if I am only half awake, I don’t have complete control over my thoughts. The thoughts come fast, and they are connected to emotions and sexual impulses. Even if I only maybe one time had a brief flash of “what would it be like to sleep with her”, in my half-wake state in the middle of the night, I can suddenly become consumed with an all-out obsession with some random woman.
I wake up fully in the morning and I know that that wasn’t me, even though I will have to repent for my sins and work harder to purge such nonsense from my brain. Maybe I am not as full-time committed to becoming a righteous man as I would like to think.
Years of having people indicate to me that who you are is mostly how you present your persona in the public sphere has left me with hypocritical tendencies—that incipient thinking that says as long as I become a righteous man in the eyes of others, I will be truly righteous.
I mean, I am not an evil man. When I sit for hours confessing and obsessing over my sins, I am recollecting times where I think I was just being a man—an average guy—but, that is no longer enough. I want to be a saint. I want to at least be a saint on my death bed at 80, if not a day before. And, I truly want to be a saint on that day, not just a saint in the eyes of others.

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