Real transformation…something sustaining and clearly a departure from the old me. Has this happened yet? I don’t put enough trust in Christ yet.
Christ is the only answer to situations that seem impossible, unreal, unapproachable, out of control, etc. Pray to Christ about it.
Life started to be turned around when I went back to church for good. The people I was trying to emulate and impress suddenly fell away as being superficial, shallow, boring people. People who built their lives upon the image that they created of themselves. People who no longer believed they had souls. People who dismissed spirituality and faith as superstition. Some did this openly, others still mouthed a belief in Christ, but practiced no Christianity whatsoever. Perhaps the latter group were worse than the avowed atheists. People who said they were Christian but turned their backs upon the less fortunate around them because … personal responsibility and bootstrap Capitalism.
I don’t abide in Christ’s love enough. But, I feel that at least some of my attempts to be devotional and prayerful are shallow and unfruitful. I am not truly connecting with Christ to initiate radical change in my life, but sometimes becoming one of those who just mouth my belief on Sundays and try to live my life on my own terms the rest of the week.
At times, I have my doubts as to whether my blessed life comes from my mother’s prayers (mostly) and some of my own. Sometimes, I simply think I got lucky–luckier than most humans who have walked the earth, but not lucky enough to be simply happy. Maybe it’s my culture that trains me to look over my shoulder at the guy who is doing slightly better than me and sit down to figure out what he’s doing that I am not. Of course, that isn’t thinking in terms of luck anymore, but thinking like a bootstrap Capitalist.
So, there is this tension and confusion between what is simply random chance that has yielded a lucky life, divine grace that has provided a blessed life, and my own hard work that has delivered fruitful results in areas of my living. The last part might seem insignificant to people who claim to know me, but I certainly could have chosen to live the life of a drug addict who mooches off of the system and lives in halfway houses, or some other more parasitical lifestyle than the one I live.
To be for sure, I never would have gotten access to the jobs I’ve had and the investments I’ve made if I had been born into relentless poverty.
I don’t feel like I am getting anywhere with this, though. I am running around in circles.