I knew that I was near the bottom but thought of myself among the best of the best at everything–once I would get my chance to shine. Boundaries between me and others. Peace with truly letting go and letting God. Some boundaries need to stop being erected–others should go up–God needs to lead here. Fear has mostly led in the past. The cherished ego becomes the ultimate thing to protect.
How do I get involved? People who learned how to get involved at an early age seem to instinctively know the right people to seek out. I don’t feel like I need an engraved invitation. I simply don’t know wher to start. When I do attend events, classes, dinners, etc. I feel like an outsider who isn’t especially welcome. I can’t blame it on others but I don’t know what to do differently in order to connect with others in a more meaningful way.
I want to die a righteous man. The more I work at this endeavor, the less righteous I seem to be. My thoughts are more prideful each time I strive to be truly righteous. Then, I experience most of the vices in more excess than I did before, especially wrath. I become so proud of myself for being so holy with my prayers, Bible reading and humility and care of others that I all but stop asking God for help. Without God, my so-called holiness just seems like pompousness.
I also seem to be adept at removing the very humanity from my supposed righteousness. Individual people no longer matter, just an abstract state of euphoric “love of others”: as if God’s flock of humans were simply a sea of one-dimensional faces. Of course, it’s easy to love some bland mass of gray faces, who don’t stink or think for themselves.
***Was written some time in seminary…exact date not recorded.