My ego is the monster that needs tending to the most.

My ego is the monster that needs tending to the most. The Beast is the culmination, the sum of all of our egos come together, to try to create an immortal paradise here on earth in lieu of the one to come in heaven. I thought I was through serving two masters when I declared my love of Christ, but I soon realized that my former master wasn’t directly Satan, but my ego, through which Satan gains his power and mastery over me.

My ego was easy to ignore when I was busy declaring my humility and insignificance every single time a group of humans wanted to praise me for the work that I did. I would put on the cloak of humility, but busily feed my ego with secret lusts for human adoration. The cloak of humility was quickly rent as a garment quite useless at breaking the winds of humans who would flatter me.

“Look at me!” I still cry secretly. “Yes, you are so smarter than I am, but you know that you want to act amazed and surprised at the depth and breadth of my intelligence as you hear me utter nuggets of profundity!”

My eyes are cast down, and I smile shyly, but secretly I am cursing you for being so big and important, for having your shit together, and receiving accolades and awards for all of the hard work you did (which I dismiss as inconsequential in the face of your lucky lottery draw of genetics and social status). I secretly want to see you fall flat on your face–so much the better that you have been exulted that you may be put down more dramatically.

I constantly exult myself for being more special than others, including you. I may be unattractive, physically uncoordinated, not especially intelligent or articulate, but I am most definitely the most special and unique person there is when it comes to being special and unique. I want to set myself apart from you so that I needn’t ever face the fact that I am moving through life getting to know nobody at all. To know God would mean connecting with others empathically and intimately at the soul level–yes, I am actually busy setting myself apart from God, that is my true intent.

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