The world has gone radio silent. I am cut off from it. Its chatter is not for me. People who are caught up in making the world go round, and people who just think they are–these are people who I no longer know.
The future has stopped sending me transmissions.
Primarily, I hope to survive, do more good than bad, and pass on what little I know to my descendants.
I never met the people I thought I would meet, and I am not the person I thought I would become.
I am a wait-er, a passive recipient, a receiver, a conduit.
I am waiting because I was a do-er, but my doing was not enough. I can’t continue to fool myself into thinking that I can effect change upon the world, that I can write history.
I have decided that I don’t need the world I once thought I needed. Being validated and receiving approval from a handful of strangers is a miserable art. Being a personality or persona instead of a person is a miserable art.
If you aren’t the smartest, prettiest or most athletic, and in fact you don’t even come close, then you can’t continue to pretend that you might be chosen from a herd of average based on special characteristics that everyone else, yourself included, overlooked.
If you want God to choose you, then you have to come to terms with the fact that your specialness to God is a completely different narrative that has nothing to do with being special to the world.
Let God love you, and learn to love yourself. Allow it to take a lifetime, if necessary. Seriously. Let your relationship with the Holy Trinity take a lifetime to become something bigger than it once was when you were a devout child. Don’t let your withering looks and health get in the way of growing your relationship with God.
Yes, this can bring you comfort and happiness, but these are not ends, nor are they means. They are simply byproducts, or signs and indicators to let you know you are on the right track. But, you should only trust them when you can tell comfort and happiness from the Lord apart from that which is wrought by earthly things.
Your relationship with God doesn’t need to include the latest news or an important, highly regarded writer, or some novel place you are trying to get to. Your relationship with God just needs to include you and God in constant connectedness.
The world has gone radio silent. This is a great gift.