Within the space that I call my Self or myself, as it were, I’ve developed a playground and a prison. I’ve fought to change myself and I’ve resisted changing anything at all. I’ve yearned for a simpler, more innocent version of myself, and I’ve lusted after being a grownup as grownups are presently defined by my culture.
I’ve begged a million times to God and Jesus for help with healing that which is broken in me, and I’ve backslidden and sinned just as many times. I am a terrible sinner, and there is no denying that. If I make it into Heaven, it will not be due to something I accomplished here on earth as it pertains to my self improvement. Only grace, mercy and forgiveness can save me now.
My kneejerk reaction is to go on Facebook and look for a friend that never was. Or, I scan the news for an inspiring thing that will hopefully trigger a change inside of me–a new thing to move toward. I am reluctant to look inside of myself for inspiration, because I rarely like what I see. If I do find that I like what I see, I quickly allow my ego to spin out of control and find myself thinking I will be the next great leader of a company or the country.
The person I see in the mirror and the person I know to be me is never the one who I see reflected in the faces of people around me or in videos I record of myself. The disconnect between how I see myself and how others see me is a million miles wide.
I am good at scaring people away because they can’t discern who the real me is. I don’t know who the real me is.
I’ve allowed myself to be too soft, too ambiguous, too flighty, too nervy, too effeminate. I’ve basically allowed whatever forces are inside of me to continue to dictate my person, instead of perfecting a singular, cohesive person who is aligned with God, Jesus and is one and the same through and throughout.
I don’t want to be a weak-kneed milk sop for Jesus. I don’t want to be an asshole, either, but if I hope to become the person God made me to be, I have to stop pretending like I am someone I am not. I am NOT a woman, a boy, a nerd, a geek, a loser, a pushover, a softy (except for women, children and animals).