all right. get back on track. get focused. what are you trying to accomplish?
i want to break away from all the evil that persists inside of me.
what do i need?
i need to shut the music off, no matter how beautiful it is. i can immerse myself in man made music, or i can seek out Christ.
i need to find the spark as it lived within me in the old days, but i need to be a grownup about it.
i feel sometimes like the only way to go about this is to gratify the self and its evil urges until it is spent and numb. then, the real religious E can begin to live.
i don’t feel depressed today, but i did get angry and i did give in to the lustful urges. i guess that’s something. they said the medicine will take awhile to really kick in.
i am trying to do a lot of listening before i write. does the Lord want me to convert to Catholicism and become a devout Catholic, or go back to school, specifically at a Presbyterian seminary so that i can preach the word of God full time? Or, is there something else hiding behind what is still my own imagined visions of what God might want me to do?
i wish i could take everything out of my head and lay it all out on a long table in a large auditorium and get it sorted out. keep this. toss that. move all of this stuff over into a section for revisiting on a rainy day post retirement.
the old urges to travel and be artsy in new york or san francisco. the apocalyptic dreams. the strong will to find a small community and church that loves me and accepts my love, as i’d always dreamed and hoped s would one day be for me.
the desire to see mom and h again, and r and grandmas and nannie, too. the desire to walk with mom and h again along ft. myers beach. to return to that moment right before i started calling h dumb repeatedly throughout the summer, wherein i began my true life of sinning and departure from the voice of the Spirit.
there is no going back, but shouldn’t there be some great Ideal that consists at once of good and perfect things remembered combined with those to come in a beautiful place where no more harm can come our way? shouldn’t that Ideal be visited frequently and often in the head, to keep one on task and not constantly veering off into sin?
oh, that there were a way to return to pure innocence, free of sexual urges and thoughts tied to sex. free of concerns for politics. free of a deep understanding of mortality. a childlike appreciation of what is beautiful, good, true and possessing Love.
when i pause to read the words i wrote in more idyllic times, i find it terribly striking that i was so full of worry and concern for my future. i may have appreciated to some degree the fact that i had to work little and could sleep and be awake when i wanted to, but i was anxious and certain that my best years had already passed me by, though i was no even 22 years old yet.
it’s almost like i was preconditioned to be negative, and much of that was due to the company i kept and the amount of drinking i did. what i wouldn’t give to even go back to the ten minutes before h left the house for the last time just to let him know how much i love him.
i was constantly under the impression that everyone around me was having more fun than i was. that all of the beautiful girls in the class were completely taken by fraternity studs, and my only hope was to get out of debt and seek out a monastery after i left college. i fantasized about being alone, celibate and priestly as the world rushed toward the new millennium.
when g came along to hijack all of that, i was too full of all the old, bad desires and decided that maybe i could become a normal, socially integrated person after all. but i was also too full of a lot of other issues, like grief (over h’s death) and certainty that i could only marry a virgin (or someone who had lost her virginity to me before we got married, and had slept with no one else).
the ball was always in my court, but i didn’t pray that much for guidance.
and, maybe a key thing to understand even now, is that God most definitely does not want me to become a complete puppet who doesn’t lift a finger without waiting for the certain call of God and perfect discernment over what to do next.
i need to be open minded to the possibilities of what could happen next, but i also need to be focused on reading the Word of God and listening for His voice above all else. any personal opinions about my next steps should be minimized and refocused on practical, day-to-day concerns that come up all the time.