I guess I have an ego like everybody else does. I am still concerned with my ego than I am with seeking the Truth and God’s perfect will for me. The thing that I am only beginning to realize is that God, in his infinite mercy, is willing to work with me where I am at today in my spiritual journey, even if I am still far from perfectly enlightened.
Maybe it’s the footprints metaphor that every child raised in a Christian home knows about. Jesus is carrying me through the years of my greatest sin and most obvious imperfections.
Like a lot of people who seek to get closer to God and further away from the things of the world, I have my moments where I start thinking I could have been a priest if only I hadn’t had my head so far up my ass. I could yet become a Protestant minister of some kind.
My constant anger when I’m interacting with other people who are slower than me or more egotistical than me is a clear indication that I am not ready yet for this kind of calling. My head, heart and sex are still not aligned in a more spiritually-focused direction, either, but I think I am getting closer.
I continually have to get my bearings and adjust my course to try to get back toward the path I feel most closely resembles the one I should have always been on. I think that my ability to do this is most certainly less about my own will than the past and current prayers of others who were concerned that I would fall away from the right path altogether.
My own will, when it is perfectly aligned with God’s will, appears to be a more ego-free will, and yet, I don’t think I’m supposed to lay around in bed all day waiting for God to be solely responsible for animating me like a puppet, and driving me like a robot or car to wherever he wants me to go.
I also think that I can be just as dangerous about letting my ego get out of hand with self-made visions of me being a great spiritual leader as I can with visions of me doing great things in business, art or literature.
What I wanted to do when I started to write this, was think about it in more concrete terms.
I started to become egotistical when I realized that there wasn’t going to be a huge amount of freelance work coming in right away, and that my baby son was going to need a lot of financial support, in addition to non-material support. I got extremely upset when my last full-time employer sent me work that I thought was very much beneath me. I still had this strong vision of myself as someone who not only needed to be a bread winner in the family, but also someone who was still having a career.
After accepting full-time employment with another previous employer in a director role, and seeing the daycare my baby son would be going back to when my wife returns to work, I started feeling guilty and worried–if anything happened to him while he was in daycare, I would feel forever guilty about it.
Bearing the burden of guilt for something that was only peripherally my fault is something I am pretty good at doing, and probably a perverse sort of egoism of its own. Because I forfeited the pickup truck I’d been driving when I got my DWI, and that truck became the death trap for my little brother, I forever find myself feeling solely responsible for his death. Of course, he wanted the truck because it was much cooler than the old family econosedan. And, as harsh as it sounds, he was the one who failed to stop at the stop sign. But, whether it is myself or a spirit of self destruction, I do have moments where I still claim sole responsibility for his death.
I guess this kind of egoism is a clear indication of a lack of faith.
Faith works for me, because I can visualize the world beyond this one as being one outside of time–where what is happening here ultimately does matter but it doesn’t always matter the way we think it does. In other words — why do bad things happen to good and innocent people, and God seems to not do anything about it? Because, there is a higher plane of consciousness that is the ultimate reality above and beyond this one — a higher dimension than the three space + one time reality we know. On that plane, there is a nontemporal accounting system, a kind of cosmic karma that can rectify the terrible and evil of this world. And, even beyond that plane, lives God, Jesus, the saints–those who have achieved complete perfection again. God, being a perfect being of love, cannot directly interface with a world this corrupt, but Jesus did and will again, and the Holy Spirit does.
On this plane, we are given the opportunity to realize a perfect faith in the Holy Trinity, and we are given free will to do this. In order to have free will, there must be the choice of the Other, or evil as we know it.
I tend toward believing in reincarnation, which means I probably never will be a priest or pastor of any Christian church. I don’t believe that we get unlimited chances–we aren’t sent back to screw up and have a good time over and over again. I think that what we do here on this plane does matter and make a difference, and that we are held accountable for it — but, I also believe that God’s mercy is more abundant than anyone can imagine, and that you will only spend eternity in hell if you have completely committed yourself to evil. That said, I think it’s not up to human beings to judge others for the way they are–we should certainly keep evil offenders and disruptors of the peace off the streets, but we shouldn’t be directly injecting our own personal morals and doctrines into the political arena in the form of various kinds of legislation.
My views have changed radically, but I also think they have maintained a core sense of what is right and wrong, and that I have always come back to seeing Jesus as the ultimate bridge between me in my corrupt state or me in my immersion of the void and me reconnecting with God.
I don’t know why I went off down that path, but I guess I needed to write it for myself, to better understand why I’m choosing to believe the things that I do.