Sunday morning comes with the old dreams, and the old dreams stay with me throughout the day. I am so very far away now from the old dreams, that sometimes it seems like they were dreamed by someone else. I used to say that a lot, “well, those were somebody else’s dreams, not mine.”
But, then I realized that they just kept coming. No matter how much I tried to accept my life as it was, and be happy with myself as I was, the dreams would reappear, sometimes after months of leaving me alone.
I wish that I could say that what I have is enough, but it’s not.
I am not happy with my lot in life, nor do I feel that finding yet another job doing what I’ve been doing is going to be the magical career place where stepping stones to real jobs abound and VPs and C-level types are falling out of their chairs to mentor me.
There is a thing of beauty that exists in this world. It is the nut I’m supposed to crack. Time is running out, and I’m getting sick of people. I’ve come to expect despicable people to be the norm. I’ve come to expect that there is nobody who resonates with me.
Yet, here I sit, still believing that there is this thing I’m supposed to do in this life. Not the next life, and not the afterlife. I can’t seem to crack it open.
My mind goes to each and every thing a man could be. I don’t linger long at the criminal things, but I do pause to consider them. Why not? But these are small and deliver no results at all. I don’t want to do a thing that has a high input, low output ratio. I don’t want to do a thing that has an almost 1:1 I/O ratio. I want to find a fulcrum. A thing that I do that yields great fruit. I plant one seed and a fruit-bearing tree appears.
The jobs I’ve held are all mostly 1:1 I/O kind of jobs. I get what I put into them, and nothing more. I invest a lot more of my time, and what I get is management deciding I’m a keeper when it’s time to lay people off. That’s it. My gift for working extra hard is that I get to keep my job. This might be enough for a lot of people, but it’s not enough for me. I’ve lived too long in a world where I’ve watched too many people advance by way of having good looks, athletic bodies and silver tongues. Brains are optional, but when people do have them, they use them to run their mouths and make sure the boss knows they are the smartest people in the room.