The will to persist is here. I don’t feel like letting up. The struggle is hard. It will not be an easily won fight. Each week, at the start of the week, temptation to fall back into all of the old patterns begins to rear its head.
My problem may be that I’m not using my imagination enough.
This morning, my mind takes me back to May of 2006 when I flew to San Diego for the 2nd annual Web Corp Comm event. The angry side of me was already starting. The ego. The man who thought he was entitled to something. I was rude to the man at the check-in desk.
I got terribly sick on that trip. It was the sickest I think I’ve ever been in my adult life. Almost ten days, including most of the trip, I was at the mercy of a bad flu. Before the sickness had begun to set in real bad, I walked down to a nearby beach. It was a dog park beach. I loved it. I wanted to spend the entire trip down at this beach.
I can remember still very clearly dining in a Denny’s one morning by myself and hearing a young couple–probably high school or not much older–talking about whether or not they wanted to continue the relationship. I can still recall the girl saying, “You see, I was thinking it was going to be just a couple of nice f***s and that’s it, but then it got out of hand and became something more.” My imagination was in the red with the whole notion of it.
I never learned to adjust to the modern world like all of my awkward friends. They accepted themselves as they were and found their tribes.
I never accepted myself as I am. I always felt that somewhere lost inside of me was a perfect badass trying to punch his way out of a nerd’s mind and body.
I never went along with that notion “just be yourself” very well. I always felt like when I tried to just be myself, it never quite worked the way I intended it to. Or, to be more precise, I wasn’t getting the expected responses from others.