I woke up this morning, wanting to seek out the next crisis or problem I needed to solve. I have this inherent urge within me to be caught up in crisis mode at all times. Something is out of place if all of the problems of the day have been solved.
The problems of the world are not seeking any attention from me. I am too old to think I can make a difference when I send a letter to a tone deaf congressperson who disagrees with me on almost every single thing. The President isn’t listening to what I say. God seems to be a hit or miss proposition. Some prayers are answered, others are not.
I have a part of me that likes to be in conflict with others. I don’t sleep well at night if I know that there is not at least one person out there that holds me in their head and thinks ill of me. Even if its some random person I hardly know at work who makes requests of me, and I allow myself to be a little prickly and disagreeable just so that they don’t feel like they can run all over me. I want someone else out there to be going to sleep tonight and thinking that I am a problem of theirs as well.
Of course, I don’t like the side of me I described in the above paragraph, but he is there.
None of this is to say that I woke up this morning without problems. I still have a lot of them that I need to solve. I am running on the fuel of lots of coffee throughout the day, and sleeping pills at night. If you took away both the sleeping pills and the coffee, you’d have a most disagreeable fellow who only has an ounce more of self control than he did twenty years ago.
But, my will is also toward seeking out a crisis in the outside world, or trying to fill an unmet gap. To have all of my needs met, and not have someone at work that I can complain about, is an uncomfortable and alien state of mind to be in. To have the kind of freedom I’ve craved for years, where I can write like this in the hour that I should be getting ready for work is still unreal to me.