crazy week so far and putting a few things down on paper, since they don’t all fit the youwakeup blog format i started. i’m entering the period in my relationship where i’m supposed to tell her i love her, and i’m almost there but not quite yet. there’s something holding me back, giving me pause, and i don’t know if it’s the old me that has gotten in the way of a lot of happiness in the past or God.
i’ve watched my old best college friend k descend into this complete and utter mess of satanic self destruction and chaos. he doesn’t appear to be aspiring toward anything, anymore other than creating a life aesthetic that borders on the psychopathic. his persona as evinced on facebook has become completely unrecognizable, even as i watch him fail to survive in chicago and have to move back to small town missouri. things that for me were once amusing jaunts into the exploration of what is humanly possible (with an eye all the time to becoming a normal human being within the framework of the academic or corporate social world), are the things that he now appears to embrace wholeheartedly, without any eye to ever properly growing up. he has become so self-centered, selfish and incapable of seeing or caring about the misery of others, that i can safely say he would be diagnosed as a sociopath if not an utter psychopath.
this week, i volunteered for the third time with the cc, as well as spent two hours that morning preparing the care partner her meals. apparently, some of the other members of my care team are shocked at the work involved with helping her pack and then unpack her stuff, as she recently has undergone a move to live with her partner. why folks would not think this kind of work is right there in the same category with yard work, carwashing, running errands–it’s beyond me. i suspect that some people sign up to volunteer picturing themselves caught up in hollywood movie moments where the miscreant who regains his humanity simply spends a three-minute sequence of shots feeding some homeless and reading to blind kids while a sara mchlachlin soundtrack plays. and then, he’s done, his karma is clean. he might say goodbye with cool, urban fistbumps before going back to his life of leisure, making promises to stay friends and come back often, but we never have to see him actually do any hardcore, committed volunteering.
that’s hitting really close to where the crux of my next novel attempt is going to lie. so many people who arrive in the non-profit world (or politics, but the novel won’t be about that so much) have this sense of karma that needs to be reset, and blab on and on about making a difference in the world, but they don’t want to have to actually get their hands dirty. or, they don’t mind a couple of weekend projects a year hoeing a garden and picking up trash. but, real community change involves the kind of commitment and work that lasts for years. it involves doing jobs that you might not really want to do, over and over again. and, you don’t start to see any real fruits of your labor until after you’ve persisted at it for a long, long time. you also often have to meet, get to know, and stay connected with people you might otherwise want absolutely nothing to do with.
i would hazard a guess that along with all of the corruption and self-promotion that goes on in the non-profit world, the above paragraph outlines one reason why nothing ever seems to get better. people want to be convinced at the end of the day that they’ve made the world a better place, and it’s the non-profit volunteer manager’s job to make sure that feeling is evoked. however, the difference between feeling like you’ve changed something and seeing the results come forth after years of persistence is so huge that any sentimental bullshit should never be entertained. but then, most of us know that without volunteers who are coming around and provided with that gooey, fuzzy feeling, there would be no money for the non-profit, and without money donated, the non-profit goes under.
for non-profits that are existing because the private and government sectors simply can’t deliver those services, such money is vital and should continue to flow to them. but, way too many non-profits have come to the point where they primarily use the money to perpetuate their own existence.
at the end of the day, it simply becomes another micro-economy of its own–it isn’t necessarily evil or good in any absolute sense of the word, but as it is, it will never become a solution that addresses root causes and affects real change. i’m convinced more and more that only individuals and deeply committed small groups of individuals can make any real change in this world. everything else is just a show and a cash cow.
and, going off on this tangent, i have run out of time to write about my supervisor a’s latest incredible bitchy behavior (fortunately not directed at me), my strange dream involving a descending staircase and the prevalence of such themes in my dreams, my two hour lunch interview yesterday and the ensuing sign that came shortly thereafter that i was probably not meant to get the job, and my overall general thoughts on my developing relationship as well as my upcoming trip to nyc. maybe this evening i’ll have some time to continue my thoughts on such matters below.
finishing what i started on wednesday or thursday in the above, i have to say that the week got stranger, and filled with additional events that probably should be put to paper.
i am sitting here on saturday, noon, with a little free time on my hands. there hasn’t been a lot of that lately, and when there is, i generally don’t know what to do with it. oftentimes over the past three-four years, while luxuriating in mass quantities of free time, i could typically turn such wonderfulness into days filled with beer, junk food, m and watching television and movies. lots of free time isn’t necessarily a good thing for me, but when i’ve been deprived of much of it, a three hour window like this one is quite welcome.
i am debating whether or not to write about the latest involving a and the course of our relationship as it pertains to where i’m at emotionally and where we’re at sexually. if i don’t, i will kick myself in years to come for refusing to write just because so much is happening and there’s always the chance she will read it. there are vast swaths of my past lost to some place below my consciousness from the happy months of relationships, and when i’m attempting to recreate them, they often end up on paper sounding stilted and empty–like someone writing about a life they read in a book.
a and i have crossed that threshold of sex, finally, and i have to say i wasn’t as prepared as i’d hoped to be. i had no idea what to expect–you never do.
next morning, of course i’m fully recharged and at my most potent, so i make a go for it in spite of the light pouring into my condo from everywhere and the men from the exterminator business next door gathered about their trucks below.
well, enough of that, as i am not inclined to write much about such matters unless they are of some great note.
turning to where we are at emotionally, i would say that a and i are both thinking along the lines that we will end up married to each other. i look at other women and see closed doors everywhere i turn. i see walls and energies that are wildly incompatible and flare out in different directions, never melding or syncing with my own energy the way they should. i cannot for the life of me figure out how some people can achieve access to many different partners–but it no doubt lies in an opening of one’s self into a chasm of utter worldliness that i have never been able to completely give myself over to.
a is also 100% solid as life partner material–there is none of that sweating of the small stuff, of letting a misplaced look or word wreck her perfect perception of me and causing a red flag to be raised and turned soon into a dealbreaker. i am also at an age now where the work i am going about with my writing, my inquiries into various subjects at the library, my volunteering, and my general enjoyment of life are such that i no longer have any of the latent desire to “see what it’s like for six months or so” as a properly swinging bachelor–you know, finding a few highly fashionable outfits, hitting a lot of trendy nightspots after the gym each night and generally pretending i am something i’m not for the sake of occasionally scoring sloppy leftovers after dozens of strikeouts.
there is a certain richness now in my list of things i want to get out of life. a fullness that makes them real things and not just silly whims and hobbies to try this year or that year before growing bored, descending into alcoholism and pulling myself into the next untenable fantasy. a is integral to this, and i honestly don’t think i will have a decent life with God at the center without her.
i could always be wrong, and God might have some great surprise along these lines, but right now, i’m not honestly seeing such an alternate future ahead of me.
in other news, my boss a just fired s, the guy i swore she was grooming to take my spot so she could have her own protege who did her every bidding and wasn’t aware of the sloppiness of her assuming command of the marketing department and the other lousiness and mismanagement in uw’s recent past. s wasn’t terrible, he was a little too ass-kissy for my taste, but most of what she is firing him for isn’t really his fault. unlike me, s has gotten little or no background and preparation for building a base of understanding of everything uw does, and so he’s often not contributing or helping move marketing’s agenda forward because he simply hasn’t been told how everything fits together at crazy adhd uw. i also honestly don’t believe that a will find someone any better than s–she is about to embark upon a series of similar probationary employees and their firings unless she is made to step back and prioritize what she really needs in that role.
i was half-attempted to say to her when she asked if i knew anyone who was a good writer and project manager: “why, yes i do, a…her name is lp and you booted her out the door in fifteen minutes about six months ago.” but i refrained because things are looking up for me on my own career front.
c has interviewed me three times–three different people. a lunch interview where i got sloppy with pasta and a couple of phone interviews. they seem pretty impressed with me so far–as far as i can tell, and things, if they go perfectly, could see me ending my uw run at the same time as s, the friday before my trip to nyc. that would be most exquisite–to walk into a’s office early next week and give her my termination notice so that she is scrambling to find not one but two positions to help her do her job.
so much of what that woman is trying to get other people to do–she should be capable of doing herself, or at least better able to delineate what she needs done from whom, and what she can do herself. but, she is sloppy, careless, forgetful and should never have been put in such a role. she will get kicked out the door with the other clowns once uw is done coming down from the celebration over the slight bump in fundraising they’ll get this year from the economy getting better. but, i have 0% desire to wait around for that.