just before i fell into mad love with g

just before i fell into mad love with g, i spent a lot of time trying to think my way out of the situation i found myself in: newly graduated from college, living with family again, and several thousand dollars in boozing credit card debt.

of course, everything had a spiritual slant to it, a theoretical push, and i was completely convinced that a stream of thought into a tape recorder traveling to work with some writing back at home could get me to a beautiful stage of enlightenment.

this is when i formulated stream theory: the notion that any reality you choose to accept and live is like a stream–once in it, you are going to be carried away from where you started, and you have to mentally make an effort akin to bodily removing yourself from a fast-running stream and crossing land to find another one. the stream itself was a holistic compilation of thought and behavioral patterns that were all reinforced by the outside world.

by visualizing this sort of thing when interacting with g and others, i was delighted to discover that i could mentally pause myself and “pull” myself out of streams of nervousness and runaway thought/behavior.

but, after getting the girl, such practical considerations of stream theory got away from me, and when i looked back on what i’d written in the years that followed, i found myself musing about it more as a quaint artifact of a rather naive, inexperienced fellow than something that had any practical value.

which is lamentable, because in this retrospect of ten plus years, i can see myself many times pulling myself out of one soul and life-sucking stream, and plopping myself down into another.

perhaps the whole notion of stream theory should be greatly revised to some other kind of metaphor–one in which sees me less inside streams that i’m at the mercy of, and more of one in which i am constantly aware of the dangers of slipping into such life-killing states of mind.

the beauty of where i am today is that i no longer think i can succeed by being a mindless passenger or a manic control freak of a driver.

life, at its most enjoyable, is more accessible as an ebbing and flowing ocean that sometimes requires a hard, pushing swim, and sometimes necessitates a languid float. God at His most accommodating and believable, is neither a puppet master nor a passive observer.

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