I look at A as she’s approaching me, and it’s like I’m rediscovering all over again just why I like her so much. Inside, I have no reservations, anxiety, doubt. I’m not overly full of the eager schoolboy crush, but no part of her says to any part of me, “maybe you should be thinking twice.”
It’s as if there are these invisible walls and spikes and moats that go up and out with most anyone. Perhaps it’s just in certain situations, and maybe they are small ones, but it would seem everyone else I know creates at least one or two inside me. Places where my energy and the other person’s energy won’t flow together properly. What I’ve often mistaken for someone being laid-back and easy to talk to can readily be seen now as superficial; and unsuccessfully able to prevent those barriers to connectivity.
In some cases, I have to wonder if even as I thought I was becoming more and more emboldened to be carefree and act a little crazy, I was really just inventing ways to scare the other person off because somewhere deep inside, a wall or spike or moat existed yet.
With A, it’s like I’d been trying to put various puzzle pieces together that by most accounts appeared to match the right shapes and colors, only to discover what it’s really like when two pieces are meant to fit together.
I hope this feeling lasts…A appears by all accounts to be everything I was looking for.