Woke up in the middle of the night again in the new place and felt this vague unease or dread. Not sure if it was latent concern about the flat tire on the bike—yes, a flat after the first day of commuting after getting the bike properly tuned and having a professional put new tubes on it. Maybe it was the little kick in the gut I got when I pulled H’s picture out of the box and put in on the shelf. Perhaps it was the two beers I drank.
Yesterday, my mind was just mad with de ja vu. Every little conversation around me, every sentence I read in email and on the web project—just an endless barrage of de ja vu moments poking me in the head.
Spoke to A for about an hour yesterday evening before bed. This cost me $7—$1 charged for daily usage and .10 a minute for 60 min. It’s about time to look at getting some kind of new phone and plan, especially if I am going to be dating A. Both of us seem to be very comfortable talking to each other at great lengths. I love the sound of her voice. She could be telling me about anything, and I would be attentive.
Work looks to be a steady decline into the absurdly unfulfilling. I sense this new guy S kind of has my latest supervisor’s favor more, simply by virtue of being new to the workplace and capable of sharing her perspective as an outsider. My guess is that he’s not nearly as deeply competent with the software tools and web technology as he lets on, because he’s already come off as pretty clueless about a lot of things when I quiz him.
I hate saying it so early, but I really think A could be the one. There is absolutely none of the reservation, doubt or fear that I felt in the past relationships. No moment of heart sinking once I see her in a different light or environment. Nothing of the “what the hell did I get myself into,” or “is she really too good to be true?” kind of questioning that often goes on, even during the best phase of the relationship. I am coming into this with eyes wide open, realizing full well that nobody’s perfect, and that she’ll have some flaw that I don’t like, some things we disagree on, and things I do that set her off and make her bitch at me. But, then again, I’m also just relying heavily on my heart, and what its telling me, whether I’m staying with her after church until I have a moment to ask her to coffee, or taking the plunge and grabbing her hand in the movie theater.
When we are together on my sofa, I feel 100% complete, a kind of completeness I don’t know that I’ve ever felt before.
I think that if I were to end up scaring A off, or things just weren’t to work out, it would be a great tragedy and turning point for making me officially a celibate hermit bachelor for life.