is this change i ask myself as i wake up from another night of throwing back six 12 oz cans. im tempting God and fate and my father by running my bank account as low as it can go before closing day. closing day keeps getting postponed.
the thought of really changing myself now comes clearly and it is rendered small by my slothful flesh. somehow, i made it to church and didn’t run away with excuses the first time i made a social faux pas and someone reacted to me the way they inevitably will. church, then, is my last hope to be someone different.
and, one lady lingers at work as a possibility. i’m not exactly sure why, except that she hasn’t completely scared me off, nor i appear to have scared her completely off.
i’m not exactly sure why she lingers because she’s spent the better part of the past two years hanging out regularly with another man that’s come and gone. i used to have mini-crushes on her every time i saw her, but then she’d retreat into her finance cave, and i into my marketing man cave.
okay, maybe there’s another lady as well, but who knows…
i’m starting to pay attention to energies and how they work.
such energies are complex and like multi-dimensional radio frequencies. you might be able to tune into someone’s and resonate with it in one dimension, but then the context of your relationship is stripped of this frequency and thrown into a milieu where you couldn’t find the matching frequency to save your life.
like, say, you meet with her to talk about some work-related thing. one on one in a private meeting room. you end up spending two hours talking together about various things. then, you surely must take this a step further, and it’s all awkward angles and stumbles and silences as she effortlessly parries and thrusts in a group setting while you grow blue in the face from holding back all the stupid crazy things your brain wants to let out that you know from too many decades of experience will simply create uncomfortable laughter and odd glances.
then, with women like m from finance there hasn’t been any deep and rich sexual resonance, but there’s been cute, flirty eyes and a really damn good feeling when her hair brushed up against your face as you placed her dog into her suv for her after a semi-successful outing at the dog park.
with m from finance it feels like you could be hanging with her and your kids and extended families for decades and decades and not really get tired of each other–always a nice, even-keeled flow. m is assertive and independent but not in a way that tries to challenge and dare the man to provide a counterattack. how tiresome it’s gotten to be of meeting girls with low self esteem who do and say things negative and counter to what a man suggests just to prove something to themselves and to the man (instead of being truly independent individuals).
there is change happening, but it’s no longer possible to generate a lot of false hope and boundless optimism for things to be drastically different this time. there’s only the steady, persistent awareness of when continually applied efforts for change finally do make some small things happen differently. and, many times, there are great moments of despair when the only kind of life in sight is the vision of all too much more of the same.