the day began well with the new realizations

the day began well with the new realizations. the ones where i wasn’t going to descend into trying to access allies for my pity party. the one where no response from anybody meant nothing.

the natural supplements and caffeine stopped working around 3 PM.

the lady i do mail with on tuesdays i think has a crush on me. she goes to a pentecostal church, from what i can tell.

i wonder about this–i mean in terms of what God wants for me. i grew up in that church, and while i sometimes can connect with pentecostals especially, i don’t know that it works beyond the fact that this is what my mom threw herself into.

there is this whole dynamic with that overpaid intern l and her strategizing and business skirts. i hate those interactions. i know computers a little, humans a little less. this lady’s like some cyborg from an unpleasant future that’s now mine. i don’t like interacting with her at all.

i keep hearing this song by this group phantom planet in my head now called california — stupid cnbc and their endless replay of their documentary about enron. i guess it was popular on some teenie bopper show back around the time i was going to california on a semi-regular basis.

it gets me thinking about some imaginary past with d circa 2005 where i was the golden sales boy at mcelroy and i was gonna have my home in west lake and my condo in sf, and we’d take on the world with a troop of metrosexual yuppie alternative hipster gangster friends.

why this got me depressed for a better lived spring, i don’t know.

why i think there’s any better lived spring than the last one, i don’t know.

why i still think d could provide anything remotely approaching happiness, i don’t know.

then, at the dog park, rs. shows up, and i’m so glad to see her. i can’t figure out from her words or her fb page whether she is still in a relationship.

there was n who talked of her esposa that brought her to austin, who turned out to be divorced and single after she left so damnit why didn’t i make a move.

there was mm who wore no wedding band but three months later mentioned her husband, and turned out to have one except i held mm up to be the geeky guy’s ideal

then, rs who talked a lot about a long-term love while at uw, but does no more, and doesn’t advertise it on fb.

rs is one of those ladies you will fall in love with and not really know why, but i think the reason is that she is the real deal–she’s a wysiwig kind of gal–you don’t get doey eyes to be later greeted with witchy ones, or fiery coal eyes to be later greeted with victimy ones.

you get a sexy tan petite woman true to who she is–but i don’t know that that is quite yet.

rs just makes me want to dive into her world completely, even as i know that would scare the crap out of her were i to take that approach–whereas some women i’m attracted to you just kind of feel obligated to dive into their world to impress them to get to the good stuff.

rs embodies what any non-profit should hold up in its culture. she is super-sharp, but not the least bit like that cyborg, career-grubbing weirdo l. rs is the ideal non-profit employee–completely dedicated to the mission, but full-on eyes-wide-open against all that damn koolaid drinking bs that allows people like db to obtain power.

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